Weather: Cold. Possible snow coming. Depends on your location.
Sports: A thing was held last Sunday. Apparently Tom Brady and Gronk won. Something, something football. Brady has not eaten processed sugar since he was six and is married to a supermodel. Also, after the game, apparently there was something with tequila, a peach shirt, and having to be helped off a boat? We can relate.
Horoscope: Stars and such. You’re lucky! Or maybe you’re not.
Fashion: Wear whatever you want. But with a mask that Covers Your Nose. (Seriously.)
Books: So, A Brave New World (Aldous Huxley) hits completely different to an adult reader than to a high-schooler. We recommend re-reading it. (1) It’s way more sexual than we remember. (2) The shit about jobs and work and money and being fit for the purpose (of a job) and comfort vs. meaning…yeah, it’s not the best read during a mid-life crisis but also, maybe, it might be a pretty good read during a mid-life crisis.
The Roman Guide to Slave Management (Jerry Toner) is a little gimmick-y, sure, but as Jule Styne and Stephen Sondheim once told us, You Gotta Have a… And so. It’s a clever and informative and entertaining riff on Roman history. Yeah, you won’t feel like a scholar reading it. But maybe, just maybe, you should??? (Sorry, best we could do.)
Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind (Yuval Noah Harare) is engaging, smart, concise. Will make you feel guilty about eating meat (sapiens are animals and animals have feelings, and if you like cheeseburgers, maybe just skim certain sections of this book). Gives a broad view of who we humans are, how we developed, and some theories on what it means. Not recommended for the Very Religious.
In General: Books— More difficult than Twitter. Highly recommended. Less pictures than Instagram. (In general). Do not move like TikTok. (In general?) Still, check ‘em out!
Economy: If you’re already rich, you’re good to go. If you’re struggling, nothing is changed or changing. If you’re the Democratic-led Congress of the United States of America, ummm, yeah, $1400 in stimulus plus the $600 in December 2020 might equal $2000 in economic relief. THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU CAMPAIGNED ON. ANY OF YOU. Also, please, remember that many, many people have lost hours or are working compromised hours and/or are missing work because we are quarantined and/or actually sick from THE GLOBAL PANDEMIC and everyone of us can’t qualify for freaking unemployment… so, stop arguing about income caps (taxes can be made to handle that) and get relief into people’s hands. After bailing out the banks and funding 10-plus years of devastation in the Middle East and the Trump tax cuts (which accrue, especially starting in 2021– read the fine print— to the benefit of the wealthy), shit, well, after all that? It’s really the god-damned least you could do. (And to emphasize: that 1400 + 600 isn’t fooling anybody. You said 2000, not 2000 total from all damn time.) Further, to emphasize: WE ARE NOT STUPID. We just pretend to be that, like, on TV. Also, according to our fave, Kai Ryssdal on APM Marketplace, the Dow is going pretty freaking well and ended the week up, so if you’re someone who’s got stocks and shit, Huzzah!
Streaming and TV and Movies and Things: (1) The Florida Project (Netflix) deserves every accolade it has ever received. The young girl playing Mooney is a precocious and magnificent gift. Willem Dafoe is the heart and conscience. And the direction, the actress playing Mooney’s mother, the tone, everything about this damn film is a revelation. Watches like a documentary and the ending has you spinning a million webs. This thing speaks some truth. And it speaks it well and without any sentimentality. It’s a wonder. Watch it. It’s not happy but it’s enlightening. And the most American thing we’ve seen in a bit. (2) Ozark (Also Netflix). Love it. Tense. Well-acted. Very foggy and lake-y. Julia Garner (Ruth) is a miracle. Laura Linney (Wendy) is a terse, fully-dimensional, very real woman. Take breaks and don’t binge too hard on this because, my god, it’s intense. Wonderful, but intense. Not for children. (3) Enola Holmes (Yet again, Netflix). Just delightful, charming, witty, light. (4) If you’re not occasionally tuning into C-SPAN’s Washington Journal, you’re really missing out on, um, the pulse (or something) of America. You, too, can call in! (5) Yearly Departed (Amazon Prime): Nominated for awards and shit. Kinda meh; kinda fun. The cast kills it but it’s still kinda meh; kinda great. However. Most importantly, one of the writers has, in fact, one of the most enjoyable Twitters we’ve seen in a bit. (Bess Kalb; follow here.)
Food and Drink: The Oaken Barrel in Greenwood, Indiana currently has it’s coffee-forward Java Stout on tap. We’ve heard combining it half-and-half with their Gnawbone Pale Ale creates a highly sophisticated Black and Tan (very bitter and hoppy, so only real cats will like it). In other food/drink news: hot water with lemon is a great hot drink substitute but will really make one create a bit of, um, water, so you know, don’t drink while hiking or something.
In this brand new year of impeachments and pandemics (round 2), we’re also crushing on the most perfect dessert/cocktail treat ever, this recipe for pudding shots: 2 (3.9 oz) packages of Chocolate instant pudding, 1 cup milk, 1 cup Bailey’s (or similar), 1 cup Whipped Cream Vodka (or similar), 1 teaspoon instant espresso powder (optional), and 1 (16 oz) tub of Cool Whip (or store brand whipped product.) Stir all the shit together. Pour into disposable cups. Freeze. Crazy good, crazy perfect, crazy does it. And think of all the fun you can have by trying different pudding flavors and different liqueurs (We daydream about Malibu Rum, pineapple, and banana pudding combinations; but maybe that’s just us.). Anyhoo, original source for this recipe is here (hugs and kisses!).
Celebs! So we’re pretty huge fans of The Mandalorian (Disney Plus), and Gina Carano’s Cara Dune was an amazing character in the Star Wars-iverse (TM). Unfortunately, said actor, after a solid year of anti-mask, anti-science, and highly political posts (which she has a right to, to be honest), decided to compare being a Republican Now to being a European Jew circa Holocaust. Ms. Carano is no longer a member of any LucasFilm kinda staff. But she does now have Senator Ted Cruz (R- TX) on her side. So that’s a plus? (I mean, he didn’t stand up for his wife when Donald Trump called her ugly but I’m sure that his enthusiasm for Carano’s plight will be totes enduring and strong. It’s not like he’s married to her. Or anything.)
More Celebs! Free Britney!
U.S.A! U.S.A! It’s Impeachment Central (TM) around here y’all. The former president’s lawyers discussed “Calvary,”
“inciting resurrections,” and didn’t know whether or not they were under oath. So that’s how that’s going. Also, fun fact, Senators Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham (de facto jurors) were seen maxing and relaxing with the Trump Defense Squad, so there’s that. It turns out that when the mob stormed the Capitol on 01/06 (a sentence we really thought we would never type. Ah! Hubris!), Representative Kevin McCarthy (R-CA-23)) on a phone call with Mr. Trump, implored the former president to make a statement and re-leash the Kraken. During the phone call, upon being told that the mob had breached the building and McCarthy was concerned (How very Susan Collins of him), the former president responded not by saying “I’m calling for reinforcements for the Capitol Police because Blue Lives Matter” nor by sending in the National Guard, nor yet by Tweeting for his “very special” and “loved” people to cool it, but instead told the representative (who was, let it be said, a couple hundred feet from an angry mob) that “Well, Kevin, I guess these people are more upset about the election than you are.”
As of Saturday, 13 February 2021, witnesses are being called to testify and Republicans are still being coy and well, we don’t know what the actual hell, but callers to Washington Journal on C-SPAN honest to god believe that a “Democrat judge” is in charge instead of the actual, real-real fact of the Senate forming a jury. So, well, it’s all one big hell-show, frankly, and we’re torn between “enjoying” the “cavalry” amateurishness of Really Bad Counsel (TM) and being pretty got-damn horrified that any of this happened in the first place and that some of our congressperson’s are still saying “Yes, but the protests during the summer…”
Anyhoo, it’s quite possible that Senator Lindsay Graham (R-SC) and Former President Donald Trump (R-Mar a Lago) will be indicted and charged in Georgia for attempts to interfere with a lawful election and/or coercion and/or CRIME with their phone calls to Georgia’s Secretary of State, Brad Raffensperger. (Mr. Trump’s outstanding legal team might have confused you. Raffensperger, Brad is correct; Roethlisberger, Ben, quarterback, is not.)
There’s more going on in the U.S. of A this week but frankly, we’re just one mag. We can’t actually cover it all.
Oh! But most def, check out the fact that former First Lady, Melania Something Trump, started a new office and a brand spanking new Twitter account for that office this week. So that’s something to never pay attention to.
Employment: Want to make as much as Two American dollars per hour? Check out Amazon Mechanical Turk. You can make that much. Or less! Self-starters wanted! Self-worth discouraged! Can you press buttons? Answer questions? Got some time to sell extraordinarily cheaply? Amazon Mechanical Turk wants you!
Health: So, some of us had an actual severe depressive attack this week and, my goodness, do we NOT recommend that! But, hey, person, you, we’re gonna toss out some numbers in case you don’t have peeps on which to unload and/or to check on your welfare (and whoever you are, you are not alone, and we really do care). Please do not hesitate to ask for help at any of these places: they want to help you. They are there for you. No matter what hideousness you are feeling (and we truly know it can be bad and dark and never-ending), you CAN get help:
- Mental Health America Hotline: Text MHA to 741741. Mental Health America is a nationwide organization that provides assistance through this text line. You will be linked to someone who can guide you through a crisis or just provide information.
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255. Crisis intervention and free emotional support are available, which is helpful when you need confidential assistance during a time of emotional distress for you or a loved one. The helpline is open 24/7, and a live online chat is available as well.
- Crisis Text Line: Text CONNECT to 741741. Specialized crisis counselors are just a text message away on this free, confidential 24-hour support line. To further protect your privacy, these messages do not appear on a phone bill. The text line also provides services and support if you are upset, scared, hurt, frustrated, or distressed.
- 211.org: Contact for help in general. This number and website can connect you to food banks, shelters, housing help, government assistance, medical, you name it.
Holidays! Happy New Year (Year of the Ox)! Happy Valentine’s Day! Happy Presidents’ Day! February! Huzzah! Buy a mattress or sheets or towels— they’re on sale now! Holidays! (Pro tip: there will be more in the future.)
Podcasts: We are behind in publishing Amoscasts, including our BFFs, Waste of Kokomo, due to the alleged Depressive Attack that may or may not have happened to certain members of our staff. We apologize to the creators of our beloved WOK as well as to all listeners. We’ll be back shortly. Technical difficulties, Kardashians, and such. Plus Covid. You know how it is. (Cute giggle, shrug. TM)
Fiction: We highly and selfishly recommend reading our free short stories. Lots of ‘em. Free! By incredible authors named Ed Faunce and Leonard Pigg. Excellent shit. It’s short fiction. It’s free. (Shit, it’s a pandemic, you got time, read the things.)
Gratuitous: Tip us. (Here)
Blatant Self-Serving Ad: Check out our shop on Etsy.
 We do not actually own the trademark for “Big Cheese.” We do however, proudly, state that we are the Biggest fans of Cheese.
Want more information about anything covered here? Google/Bing/Safari/InternetSearch that shit. You can do it!