As you guys may or may not know, @Southside_Ry and I have had some interesting experiences @PrimantiBros. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about you can look back in the archive and find the columns. Or maybe the editor will do it for you. You people are exhausting with your non-stop neediness and requests). Anyway we went Sunday to @PrimantiBros and the service was awesome. The bartender was hustling. She was friendly. Beers were served up promptly and ice cold. The service was so good, in fact, that my consumption of beverages, while nowhere near @Southside_Ry or @GreenwoodRed (he was there) levels, was still quite impressive. Service, also in fact, was so impressive that my analysis of the late afternoon Sunday games and Sunday Night contest may have suffered. If I got a @McLarenAuto or something out of this deal, I’d try to be a little professional or something. As it stands now though, you get what you get. Lazy freeloaders. (Editor’s note: “Lazy freeloaders” is, in fact, French for “our delightful and most-loved readers.”)
(1) New England: It was only a matter of time.
(2) Minnesota: Case Keenum is the quarterback of the second-best team in football. Word keeps trying to do a grammar check on that sentence. Apparently those words have never been used in that order before, ever, for any reason.
(4) Philadelphia @ (3) LA Rams: This game will play a huge part in seeding for the NFC playoffs. Rams and Eagles vying for home field in Week 14, just like I predicted.
Is Joe Flacco Elite This Week Or Not Game: (13) Baltimore @ (5) Pittsburgh
Two things will happen in this game: Baltimore will win or, they will get blown out so badly that I will be able to go to bed early.
I’m planning on being in bed by 9pm Sunday
Pittsburgh fun fact: The city of Pittsburgh has been designated nuclear whipping boy by the Pentagon. In case of nuclear war all of our allies will calibrate their missiles by test firing one missile each at Pittsburgh. I expect property values in Pittsburgh to skyrocket after the improvements in the city created by nuclear detonations. (Editor’s note: literally none of this alleged fun fact is actually factual.)
(6)New Orleans: They were impressive in their win over Carolina. Of course, I was pretty drunk by halftime of this game so my recollection may be a bit hazy. I do know they won, though. I looked it up.
(7) Tennessee: Pretty mediocre for a team that a lot of people thought could make a playoff run.
(8) Atlanta: Scored nine points at home versus the Vikings. I dislike Matt Ryan so much, he has to be from Pittsburgh. Editor, have the research team at Amos Global HQ in Reno, Nevada look that up for me. (Editor’s note: we are gently trying to train our beloved writer, RD, to send messages to us directly instead of incorporating them into his articles. It’s a process and we appreciate your patience. Additionally, no, we are not headquartered in Reno. There is no research team; there is only the editorial staff and, frankly, we’re exhausted. Also, @Apple, the editor really needs an iPad Pro to keep this fantastic content coming. Screw @theOriginalRD and his McLaren.)
(9) LA Chargers: They held on to beat the Browns. They probably aren’t the ninth-best team but everyone behind them tends to suck, be inconsistent, or be purely mediocre.
(10) Carolina: See New Orleans Saints comments
The Chris Myers Is On The Call Because Your Team Sucks Game Of The Week: (11) Seattle @ (12) Jacksonville
Seattle won at home against Philadelphia. Obviously a win over a one-win team this late in a season is impressive; I’m reserving judgement for a while. Seattle has been so up and down I want to see some consistency before I move them back to the top ten.
As for the Jaguars, Bortles is still the quarterback and they beat a lousy Colts team. Pardon me for not breaking out the party hats.
(14) Dallas: Managed to stay alive, kind of, for another week.
(15) Washington: How Kirk Cousins has managed to win five games with this pile of manure is a borderline miracle. For some reason, though, Washington continues to jerk him around. If they have to franchise him again he will make 900 million dollars next year. That would be a record high for a contract.
The @ThatDickScott Game Of The Week: (28) Indianapolis @ (16) Buffalo
Tyrod Taylor, if he plays, will probably be playing on one good leg. Frankly, that is probably one more than he needs to beat the Colts.
Can we finally stop with the Jacoby Brissett is a good quarterback nonsense? He is an adequate backup and may not ever get better than that.
(17) Kansas City: They stink.
(18) Cincinnati: Turned the game on at halftime Monday night and the Bengals led 17-3. I took one look at the score and said, “oh yeah, they will piss this away” and I went to bed.
As you people have come to expect, I was right.
(19) Arizona: They are boring.
(20) Miami: Blew out Denver at home. Still not impressed.
(21) Oakland: If Michael Crabtree really feels the need to punch someone in the face, might I suggest Travis Kelce?
(25) NY Jets @ (22) Denver: People in prison get sentences reduced for agreeing to watch games like this.
(23) Tampa Bay: Most compelling thing from this season is when their quarterback did some weird shit to his fingers on the sideline.
(24) Detroit: They made the Ravens offense look competent Sunday. Not an easy task.
(26) Houston: Tom Savage isn’t the answer. Shocking, I know.
The “How Does Kaepernick Not Have a Job” Bowl: (27) Green Bay @ (32) Cleveland
Are you telling me Colin Kaepernick wouldn’t be an upgrade over anyone on either QB depth charts? Did you guys happen to catch Kaepernick being honored by ACLU? Check out what some genius tweeted about it:
Garoppolo was 26 of 37 for nearly 300 yards. The hysteria will only build from here.
(30) NY Giants: After the cowardly way they handled Eli, I hope they don’t win a game the rest of the year. Of course they could have handled the Manning situation with unmatched tact and grace and they still probably wouldn’t have won another game
It’s cool when stuff works out.
(31) Chicago: Lost at home to the 49’ers. I’d say the early returns on Trubisky are mixed, at best. That is the sort of analysis you people deserve and that I am all too happy to provide.
A Bit Too Early Super Bowl Prediction: Philadelphia @ New England
World Events: The RD and @Southside_Ry podcast draws ever closer. We are working on the format and lining up some guests. A really mediocre ex-college basketball coach is on the fence about being a guest. I ask all my loyal readers to encourage him to participate. (Editor’s note: this would be easier if you had not expected your loyal readers to guess who this purported guest-on-the-fence might be.)
Questions of the week: Didn’t feel like it this week. Piss off. (Editor’s note: RD loves answering question written to him, truly. “Piss off” is his very own way of saying he’s too busy right now with buying Christmas presents for orphans and hanging out at Primanti Brothers, but otherwise, he would truly love to engage with his audience.)