You may have missed the foolishness between Aqib Talib and Michael Crabtree on Sunday; both players were ejected after the second play of the game. That is ok. Who gives a rat’s ass about two dummies fighting over a gold chain? A gold chain, you ask? Yup. You can get the backstory on this idiocy here.
However what I wouldn’t want you to miss is the glorious call of the “bout” from Kevin Harlan on the CBS broadcast:
Harlan has a long history of great calls, none will top his call of some idiot running onto the field while he was doing radio for Monday Night Football.
There are a ton of these kinds links all over the interwebz and I am not looking them up for you people. Lazy free loaders.
Ok, just one more. I’m feeling extra magnanimous today. Not because @McLarenAuto finally ponied up, or my editor got me an endorsement deal, but just because I’m a great person. Enjoy. (Editor’s note: Is it possible the editor had an endorsement for you until you called your readers “lazy free loaders?” Is it just possible that McLaren called the editor just this morning to say they had the perfect car for RD but, following review, they couldn’t give it to “you people?” Things to think about.)
(1) Philadelphia: I’m still not 100% sold on them because they have been winning against pretty lousy competition. That said, they are still winning these games and, unlike some teams (Pittsburgh), they aren’t playing down to the competition.
The @ThatDickScott Game Of The Week: (2) New England @ (18) Buffalo
Tom Brady is probably the MVP even though Carson Wentz will likely win the award.
Buffalo likely saved their season on Sunday with a win in Kansas City. Shocking what not throwing 315 interceptions in one half will do to improve a team’s odds of winning.
The Chris Myers Is On The Call Because Your Team Sucks Game Of The Week: (3) LA Rams @ (20) Arizona
The Rams certainly made a statement with their win over New Orleans. Their fans made a statement by not selling the joint out. Fox made a statement by assigning Myers to this game.
(4) Minnesota: Case Keenum must really like his job.
(5) Pittsburgh @ (17) Cincinnati: Pittsburgh continues to play down to the competition. They had better hope they can hold off New England in the AFC. If they have to go on the road in the playoffs they are finished.
The Monday night games this year haven’t been too great. This one has a serious upside though. You never know which creative way Marvin Lewis and the Bengals will find to blow a game.
Bonus RD Fun Fact: According to my research staff at Amos Global HQ in Knoxville, Tennessee the city of Pittsburgh was built upon ancient Roman sewage lagoons. Incredibly the site smells worse today than when it was in use for its original purpose. (Bonus Editor Fun Note: Our headquarters, as such, are not located in Knoxville, Tennessee. The Romans never visited North America let alone installed waste management systems.)
(6) Atlanta: Julio Jones had 253 yards receiving. That’s a lot. I checked.
(7) Carolina @ (8) New Orleans: For the outright lead in the NFC South. New Orleans would still have a shot if they lose but Carolina would be one back and would have lost the season series. Fox even made it the A game.
This game is basically the highlight of a crappy slew of games. Don’t believe me? Keep reading.
(9) Tennessee: Managed to come back in the fourth quarter against a crappy Colts team. Extra points I suppose for being able to do it in the Siberian-like conditions of a 50-degree Lucas Oil Stadium. (Editor’s Note: Fahrenheit.)
(11) Seattle: Interested to see what they can do against the team with the best record in the NFL. I don’t think Seattle is a top-tier team but they might be the best team Philadelphia has faced. If I’m lucky I’ll be able to stay up at least until halftime. My devotion to you people knows no bounds. (Editor’s Note: The author just lost another endorsement, probably. Every time RD says “you people,” an angel loses its wings.)
(29) Indianapolis @ (12) Jacksonville: Chuck Pagano had one of the most bizarre press conferences ever this week. I’m not looking it up for you people. I do enough around here.
Is Joe Flacco Elite This Week Or Not Game: (15) Detroit @ (13) Baltimore
Can’t wait to watch Flacco miss open-wide receivers and Stafford to take inexplicable and inexcusable sacks. Flacco’s season highlight may have been nearly breaking both of his legs trying to slide. He ripped out a huge divot in the turf and destroyed his knee brace.
Kind of brought to mind this tremendous display of athleticism:
Flacco is not elite this week and frankly I’m starting to wonder how he remains employed. Does he have compromising photos of a Harbaugh?
(14) Washington @ (16) Dallas: I remember growing up this was always the 4pm CBS A game with Madden and Summerall. RFK would be jumping. The Cowboys would have to wear their blue uniforms. Then both teams proceeded to club each other for three hours. Now we get Cousins v Prescott in some dump called FedEx Field or some monstrosity the equivalent size of Jerry Jones’ ego.
The shine has slightly come off this matchup, I would say.
(19) Kansas City @ (27) NY Jets: Two lousy teams playing out the string. You would think Patrick Mahomes would get a shot soon.
Think this game sucks? Brace yourself for the dumpster fires to come.
(21) Oakland: Managing to stay in contention in the AFC West because none of the other teams are any good either.
(22) Houston: Tom Savage made Joe Flacco look good in comparison Monday night. Not. An. Easy. Task.
Watching Joe Flacco play football makes me want to drink more than I usually want to drink.
(23) Tampa Bay @ (26) Green Bay: If you voluntarily watch this game you need to be put on a no-fly list and possibly institutionalized. You are a threat to your safety and that of others.
(31) San Francisco @ (24) Chicago: Incredibly, this game is even worse than the one before it on this list.
(25) Denver @ (28) Miami: Holy hell. Another fantastic matchup. At least Jay Cutler will be back from a concussion. I’m sure Dolphin fans will be happy to at least get to see their starter play like garbage instead of a backup.
With matchups like these it is hard to believe NFL ratings are on the decline, isn’t it?
(30) NY Giants: What a classless and completely ridiculous way that they demoted Eli Manning. I’ve never been a huge Eli fan but there is no denying the toughness of the guy. You don’t start that many games consecutively without having to play through some serious pain.
That said, no one is above getting benched but there is a right way and a wrong way. The Giants were completely wrong. They made lame excuses and took the coward’s way out. Does anyone really need to see more of Geno Smith to come to an informed opinion?
(32) Cleveland: They suck.
A Bit Too Early Super Bowl Prediction: Philadelphia @ New England
North Korea fired a missile that can hit Washington DC
Our president retweeted some videos from a fascist British group.
Matt Lauer thought a dildo would be an appropriate gift for a coworker.
Questions of the week:
Andrew (Andy) M. (@morinap) asks: Is Eli Manning a hall of famer?
I’d say he is. Two Super Bowl titles and an impressive games started streak. More impressively he also resisted the urge to not crack Ben McAdoo across the dome with a folding chair. While I would have applauded that approach to conflict resolution, your average snowflake, liberal, hippie-type Hall of Fame voter probably would have frowned on it.
Angie S (@asharp3101) asks: Can I wear boat shoes with a business suit?
Here is a simple rule of thumb I use when making any footwear decision: Which pair makes my butt look most fabulous today? Whichever pair wins, I rock them. I don’t give a damn what I am wearing.
Cantankerous Chris (@CantankerousCMF) asks: Does Chuck Pagano have 3 nipples?
Apparently my readers like to drink, too.
If you have a question like Andy, Angie, or Chris did, make sure to send them to me using the hashtag #AskRD and you too could see your name on the most widely-visited column since Al Gore invented the Internet.