Well, another Thanksgiving has come and gone. Hopefully you people had a wonderful holiday with family, friends, or fellow inmates, in whatever facility you were voluntarily or involuntarily confined to. I was lucky to spend time Thursday with friends. Sadly the day wasn’t all food and merriment though. I had to witness the brutal murder of an innocent cheesecake at the hands of @SouthSide_Ry. Picture below for those of you who aren’t faint of heart.
On the sponsorship front, I have been in contact with @PrimantiBros. Details on those interactions to come soon.
Still no movement from @McLarenAuto on my request for an automobile.
It would seem that my editor has little or no interest in pursuing what should be the main purpose of this column. Getting me free stuff. (Editor’s note: The editor is overwhelmed with interest. She has a superabundance of interest. But that’s not, in theory, the main purpose of this column.)
Anyway, here is some football stuff.
(25) Chicago @ (1) Philadelphia: If we are being honest, Tom Brady should probably be the MVP but Carson Wentz has emerged as the favorite and he did nothing Sunday night to diminish his odds.
The Bears had a chance to tie the game with a field goal Sunday and then this happened:
Kind of reminds you of this:
(28) Miami @ (2) New England: In a slew of fifty point games this year, I’m giving the Patriots a great chance to hang 60 on this band of losers. Tom Brady is the most dominant player in the game. The Dolphins hope to get Jay Cutler back. Place your wagers accordingly.
(3) Pittsburgh: Destroyed a relatively good Titans team on Thursday night. On a side note, every fan in attendance at Heinz Field for that game was given a complimentary injection of powerful antibiotics to treat any STD they certainly have.
My research staff at Amos Global HQ in Cheyenne, Wyoming dug up this gem for me this week: Pittsburgh, PA has more active aol.com email accounts than any other city in the world. I find it shocking that that many people in Pittsburgh can spell AOL. (Editor’s note: Amos Global is not headquartered in Cheyenne, Wyoming. RD does not have a research staff. Pittsburgh may or may not have more active aol email accounts than any other city. We honestly doubt this is the case.)
(4) New Orleans @ (9) LA Rams: Game of the week. Everyone certainly saw this coming prior to the season. Drew Brees appears to have a competent defense and a decent running game to help him out.
The Rams have to win to keep pace for the top seed in the NFC. Every time I read that sentence, I feel the need to take a drink.
(5) Minnesota @ (11) Detroit: Case Keenum apparently wants to keep his starting job pretty badly. As soon as rumblings about Teddy Bridgewater getting the starting job heat up, Keenum plays like a competent NFL quarterback.
The Lions have to be the most frustrating team in pro sports to root for. Loaded with talent and can never seem to put it all together. At least if you are a Browns fan you know what you are condemned to each season.
(6) Carolina @ (27) NY Jets: The Panthers have won three in a row and are keeping pace with the Saints. They really shouldn’t have any issues beating a lousy Jets team. Of course, every time it looks like the Panthers have gotten their act together they usually proceed to crap the bed. Win or lose, though, you can bet Cam will be rocking a sweet lid. I suggest this hat for this Sunday:
(7) Jacksonville @ (21) Arizona: Jacksonville takes their smoke and mirror show to Arizona. You wonder how long a great defense and Blake Bortles only sucking a little will keep leading to wins. Arizona just keep plodding along as a mediocre to bad team. I really can’t see them putting much together against the Jaguars defense.
(24) Tampa Bay @ (8) Atlanta: Jameis Winston is still hurt. Matt Ryan looks slightly less fraudulent.
Atlanta took advantage of an injury-depleted Seahawks defense and some bizarre, to put it mildly, play-calling to win in Seattle. I still don’t think they are very good.
(10) Seattle @ (31) San Francisco: Three-fourths of the Seahawk secondary is out. Pete Carroll coached like he had money on the Falcons and they still nearly managed to win.
49ers are red hot riding a one-game winning streak into this game. I’d bet all you have on a San Francisco home win.
The Chris Myers Is On The Call Because Your Team Sucks Game Of The Week:
(12) Tennessee @ (29) Indianapolis
This game sucks so bad CBS didn’t even want it so Fox got it and assigned it to the worst broadcast crew of all time. Enjoy!
The @ThatDickScott Game Of The Week: (23) Buffalo @ (13) Kansas City
Since the beginning of 2016 KC has thrown four interceptions. The guy the Bills (who were in a playoff spot) benched Tyrod Taylor for threw five of them in less than an hour. Shocking they haven’t been to the playoffs this century.
Remember when the Chiefs destroyed the Patriots on national television and looked like they might make a serious Super Bowl run? Yeah, me neither.
(14) Dallas: If Jerry Jones is in your Hall of Fame how prestigious could it really be? On the bright side, it was hilarious to see him in the owner’s box as Philadelphia finished off the Cowboys season. If Jones’ grill was less than 90% Botox, we may have actually seen an emotion that didn’t closely resemble smugness.
They then followed that up with getting absolutely crushed on national television. A lot of you did something similar to what the Chargers did to Dallas when loading stuffing into your holiday bird.
(15) Washington: Right now they are the 11th seed in the NFC. Kirk Cousins has to be counting the minutes until he can escape this dumpster fire.
Is Joe Flacco Elite This Week Or Not Game: (19) Houston @ (16) Baltimore
At least the Ravens get the Texans quarterbacked by Tom Savage. The Ravens might make the playoffs by being the least terrible of the AFC bottom feeders.
(22) Denver @ (17) Oakland: If there is a matchup of two bigger disappointments then I haven’t come across it. Carr and the Raiders were expected to return to form. The Broncos were thought to have an elite defense. On the bright side, the Broncos kicked Osweiler to the curb. Of course they waited about four weeks too long for it to make any difference.
(18) Cincinnati: If you need an example of how bad the AFC is this year, the Bengals are one game out of a playoff berth.
(20) LA Chargers: Rivers was great on Thanksgiving. Couldn’t tell if it was an act or something I may have eaten that made me sick on Thursday. I wonder if he does that stupid arm pump after all trivial accomplishments in his life?
(26) NY Giants: They reverted back to the Giant sack of crap we knew they were all along (see what I did there?). The head coach is gone as soon as the season ends. I wouldn’t be surprised if Eli Manning isn’t far behind.
(30) Green Bay: They seemingly went from a contender for the NFC title to challenging Cleveland for the worst team in football. They are indescribably bad on offense.
(32) Cleveland: They suck.
A Bit Too Early Super Bowl Prediction: New England at Philadelphia
World Events: Clearly the biggest news to drop this week was the announcement that @SouthSide_Ry and I are launching a podcast soon. We plan to cover a wide range of topics from sports, weather, music, and my epic coaching career.
If you have any ideas or suggestions on things you would like to discuss, I’m dying for your input.
Question of the week: Taking a week off from this, because frankly, you people exhaust me.