As you may or may not have heard, Roger Goodell is negotiating a new deal with the NFL owners. To paraphrase Tommy Lee Jones in No Country For Old Men, there appears to have been a glitch or two in the negotiations. Things have gotten so bad that noted charlatan and huckster Jerry Jones was ignored Sunday when his team was visited in Atlanta by Falcons owner Arthur Blank. Fox and other media outlets showed them ignoring each other on the field before the game. Incredibly, events deteriorated so rapidly that Blank gave Jones an Undertaker-esque choke slam right at midfield on the Falcons logo.
I would provide a link to the “incident” but I can’t be expected to do everything for you people. Dead weight freeloaders. (Editor’s note: There is no link because there was no “Undertaker-sequel choke slam.“)
While nothing is more fascinating than billionaires being pissed at each other and arguing over the pay from a cement head ginger, I will make this quick.
Apparently Roger wants, in some order:
A private jet (for life)
Health insurance for him and his family (for life)
50 million dollars a year
A bunch of other crap as well, I presume.
Let’s let that sink in for a moment. This brain-dead stuffed suit wants 50 million dollars a year to do the following:
Fly on a private jet to an NFL game each weekend
Stay in five star hotels (on the NFL dime)
Arbitrarily enforce NFL rules and policies
Allow protests to spin out of control through mismanagement
Pretend to care about women’s issues and domestic abuse
Pretend to care about player safety
Have a complete lack of understanding as to why television ratings are on the decline
Appear on national television and radio frequently to make an ass of himself
50 million. A year. To do that! Good work if you can get it.
I would like to offer the NFL owners a counter-proposal. Hire me as commissioner. I feel I am uniquely qualified to run a business that should be a de facto license to print money. Or at the very least, I could do a better job than Ol’ Rog. I’m good at pretending to care about stuff. I can be volatile in business as well as in life decisions. I would only require four star accommodations as long as the place had a kickass bar and vibrant escort scene. I do offer, however, one noted upgrade over Goodell. I will swing the ban hammer mercilessly on domestic abusers. Playing in my league will require you to meet the base requirements for being a good citizen.
As an added benefit I will provide these services at the rock bottom price of 2 mil a year. I will demand an NFL furnished condo in Manhattan and,of course, travel by private jet but, on the whole, I would be a huge savings to the NFL. So I hereby authorize my editor to table @McLarenAuto and @PrimantiBros negotiations and focus on getting me this job. With me at the helm, the NFL will continue to be a cash cow and will become again only a minor embarrassment to this country and not the laughing stock it now is. (Editor’s note: The editor is perfectly willing to participate in job negotiations with a split of 30-70 of the NFL salary and cash value of all perquisites and benefits thereof. The editor feels 30 percent is sufficient for the writer who refers to his readers and fan base as “you people.”)
(1.) Philadelphia: Every week I have reservations about them and every week they go out and blow soemone’s doors off. This week they get a chance to put a bullet in Dallas’ season. Good riddance, Jerry, you sack of crap.
(2) New Orleans: Laid the wood to Buffalo in an impressive beat-down. Wonder how many of you people saw the Saints putting up forty-plus in a game with no touchdowns coming by the pass? Exactly. None of you did.
(3) New England: They went into Denver and did to the Broncos what delivery guys do to lonely housewives in Pornhub videos. At least that is what my editor tells me what happens on Pornhub. (Editor’s note: This is fake news.)
I generally only view wholesome and enlightening videos on the internet. Like the one of a 36-year-old Andy Reid destroying 15-year-olds in a Punt, Pass, and Kick competition.
I will never get tired of that.
(4) LA Rams @ (5) Minnesota: Just as I predicted before week one, Rams at Vikings would be the marquee matchup of week eleven. The winner of this game will have a good shot at getting at least the two seed.
I had the research department at Amos World HQ in City of Commerce, California look into it, and the last time the Rams were in playoff contention this late in a season was 1846. (Editor’s note: Our world headquarters are not located there. The Rams did not exist in 1846. Actual rams did, of course, but not the professional football team named for them.)
Rams 31 Vikings 24
(8) Tennessee @ (6) Pittsburgh: What’s this? A possible decent Thursday night game? This game has big playoff seeding implications and Mariota appears to be coming back into form.
So naturally, the game will likely end in a blowout. This is how the universe generally operates when I am optimistic about something.
Titans 391 Steelers 6
On a personal note, I’d be okay if someone filled Heinz Field to rim with diarrhea while packed with Steelers fans. It certainly wouldn’t smell any worse than it usually does.
(7) Kansas City: Still want to see them play well against a good team. That week one victory in New England was a long time ago.
(9) Seattle: They keep losing guys and the Rams don’t appear to be coming back to earth.
(10) Carolina (Bye): Dominated Miami on Monday night. Cam Newton ran wild and looked like he was back in 2015 form. Of course, we have seen this before so they’ll probably get housed the next time they play.
(11) Atlanta: Pretty sure Adrian Clayborn hid in the tunnel and laid out Dak Prescott one more time as he tried to get on the team bus.
(12) Jacksonville: Needed overtime to beat San DIego at home.
(13) Detroit: Almost allowed Cleveland to win a game. You’d think the only franchise who ever went 0-16 would be eager to see another team reach those lofty heights.
(14) Dallas: To hear certain local radio hosts describe it, coaching is a complex, sophisticated endeavour that the layman could never possibly begin to grasp. I had never really bought into that line of thinking until just this week. For a long time I thought coaching was basically some person telling other people what do on an athletic field or court. Boy, was I wrong. Sunday afternoon I watched Adrian Clayborn spend the better part of three hours turnstiling the left tackle for the Dallas Cowboys.
Jason Garrett, former pro player, locker room expert, coach at the pinnacle of his profession did the following to counter it— absolutely nothing. I never in a million years would have thought to do nothing. Amateurishly, I would have panicked and did any number of the following:
Put a tight end in to give the left tackle some help
Maybe chipped Clayborn with a running back
Throw some screen passes to that side to maybe slow down the rush a little
Garrett cleverly, however, did nothing. The sheer tactical brilliance of this non-maneuver cannot be overstated. By doing nothing the left tackle was able to eventually lock down Clayborn and Dak Prescott had copious amounts of time to pick apart the Falcons’ defensive secondary. Actually, what happened is Prescott ended up getting the crap kicked out of him. My belief that 99.9% of coaches are meatheads who would either be gym teachers or managing car washes if they lose these jobs still stands.
(15) Oakland: Basically their season is on the line at home against a New England team that has been laying waste to everyone. Expect lots of shots of owner Mark Davis in his box looking sad. This time he will be sad over something other than his stupid haircut, presumably.
(16) Washington: Every time I think they look poised to go on a run, they crap the bed. At least they have the courtesy to do it at home, I guess.
The @ThatDickScott Game Of The Week:
The Chris Myers Is On The Call Because Your Team Sucks Game Of The Week:
(17) Buffalo @ (21) LA Chargers
Another sweet double headline game for this week. Should be a treat for the dozens in attendance, and the nine people watching from home.
Nice effort at home by the Bills. Really made me a believer in your post season prospects.
Philip Rivers has a concussion. They say concussions can affect your mood and behavior. Maybe this head injury has made him tolerable to be around.
Bills 7 Chargers 2
Is Joe Flacco Elite This Week Or Not Game: (19) Baltimore @ (20) Green Bay
Desperately trying to come up with a reason not to watch this never-ending dumpster fire. I’ve even contemplated socializing with neighbors at this point. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Joe Flacco is not entering week eleven with elite status.
Green Bay 17 Ravens 6
(18) Arizona: They have managed to be merely lousy instead of completely bottoming out without Carson Palmer. They should use that as the marketing tagline when they send out season ticket renewals in the next few weeks.
(22) Chicago: Lost at home to an Aaron Rodgers-less Packers. So yeah, I guess you could say this season is not going well.
(23) Cincinnati @ (24) Denver: If there is a hell, I’m 100% certain it’s residents will be forced to watch this game Sunday.
Bengals 6 Broncos 3
(25) Miami: They have moved past being merely awful to being awful and appearing to be apathetic.
They’ve lost three national television games in a row and gave up more than forty points in two of them. I think I speak for America when I say we have seen enough of this team.
(26) Tampa Bay: Ryan Fitzpatrick beat the Jets. Stunningly, he was actually playing for a team other than the Jets this time when he did it. I’m not sure he realizes that this was supposed to be how it works all along.
(27) NY Jets (Bye): Jets fans watched their team lose to a team quarterbacked by Ryan Fitzpatrick. That must have been a refreshing change of pace from watching their team lose with Ryan Fitzpatrick as quarterback.
(28) Houston: The only thing keeping this Tom Savage-led disaster from the basement is the following dumpster fires.
(29) Indianapolis (Bye): Choked another fourth quarter lead away. Of course it was in a game that I actually wanted them to win. Jackwads.
Oh, and come to find out the franchise quarterback is in Europe getting baby seal embryos injected into his shoulder, or something like that. I don’t really follow football that closely. (Editor’s note to author: you have a weekly column about football. WTF?)
(30) San Francisco (Bye): I told you people last week that the 49ers would get their first win. Of course I was right. Of course you rubes didn’t listen.
(31) NY Giants: They better be happy Cleveland sucks so badly. Otherwise they would be in the basement which is probably where they deserve to be.
(32) Cleveland: They continue to add to their resume of incompetence. Their work in the field of being awful is really unparalleled. It’s like watching art being created before our very own eyes.
The “How Does Kaepernick Not Have a Job” Bowl: Sadly no game qualifies this week. Cincinnati vs Denver almost qualified but I’ll need Andy Dalton to completely bottom out over an entire season before I pull that trigger.
A Bit Too Early Super Bowl Prediction: Philadelphia @ New England
World Events: This brilliantly sums up this week’s stupidity on social media perfectly.
Question of the week: Jessica asks “If all of the Colts QBs are broken, do we raffle off the spot for fun? Maybe have a dance-off on the Circle?”
Great question, Jessica. Your method couldn’t be any worse than whatever the previous guy was apparently using to pick talent.
If you have a question like Jessica did, make sure to send them to me using the hashtag #AskRD and you too could see your name on the most widely-visited column since Al Gore invented the Internet.