Week Ten is upon us and a few things have become clear.
Philadelphia is the best team in the league.
Carson Wentz is solidifying his grip on the MVP.
Ninety percent of this league is terrible/borderline unwatchable.
I expect more teams to reveal themselves as awful over the next few weeks.
Now on to sponsorship updates.
Wasn’t able to get to Primanti Brothers this Sunday. My level of sadness over this can’t quite be measured. Still no word from my editor where we are in the negotiation process. I have a feeling my editor is focusing too much time on menial tasks instead of securing financial gain for the greatest writer in the history of the internet. (Editor’s note: Negotiations are for me to know and my authors to find out. The editorial staff encourages sponsorship inquiries to be directed to Amosmagdotcom@gmail.com) In fact, I may start referring to myself as Coach Franchise so that you people won’t forget just how lucky you are to read this each week. (Editor’s note: apologies, as ever to our readers with a reminder that Coach Franchise uses “you people” with sincere respect and affection.)
Since the weather has started to turn, I’m asking my editor to put securing my @McLarenAuto on hold for a few months, and instead work on getting me a free car from one of these local dealerships. If you live in Indianapolis you know what I’m talking about. These car dealers will sign endorsement deals with any number of no talents, getting a deal for someone as highly skilled as yours truly should be a breeze. (Editor’s note: this, perhaps, would have been better served by direct comment to editor from Coach Franchise as opposed to being incorporated into the body of this otherwise outstanding article.)
No matter how disappointed I am, much like the Titanic, this column must continue to go.
(1) Philadelphia (Bye): Carson Wentz is the MVP. I wonder if any teams with QB needs look back on last year’s draft with any regret?
(2) New England: Got an expected but still appreciated gift from Buffalo last Thursday night. I’m going to go ahead and proclaim them division champions.
(3) LA Rams: Houston this week and New Orleans and Minnesota the next week. These games will be huge in sorting out the NFC playoffs. We all expected these three teams to be in the mix in November, right?
(4) Pittsburgh @ (27) Indianapolis: So the Colts owner (noted pill-popper) questions the mental toughness of the franchise QB, now Colt fans have a plague of a biblical nature descend upon their city. What did they do to deserve this?
Actual photo of Steeler fans convoying to Indianapolis:
The @ThatDickScott Game Of The Week: (5) New Orleans @ (13) Buffalo
(6) Minnesota: They are in first place and Teddy Bridgewater was activated. Not saying it’s going to happen but getting Bridgewater back for December and the playoffs would be huge. If his bionic leg holds up the Vikings might surprise some people.
(7) Seattle: No clue about these clowns. The offense is extremely inconsistent. The defense isn’t much more reliable. They have the pieces, time is running out to put them together.
(8) Dallas : I have told you people that Jerry Jones is basically a despicable human being, but I know you were scoffing. Well, word comes out now that he is trying to block Goodell from getting a new deal because the commissioner won’t drop the suspension process on Ezekiel Elliott.
I had the data analytics team at Amos Global HQ in Las Cruces, New Mexico run 80 million data simulations on the supercomputer to determine who is the worst human being in history. Jerry Jones came out on top in 99.3965% of the data runs. Easily defeating Pol Pot, Rosie O’Donnell, Stalin, and Hitler as the worst person ever. (Editor’s note: Amos Global HQ is not in Las Cruces. Amos still does not have a supercomputer. Amos still, however, could use an @apple iPad Pro.)
(9) Tennessee: They beat Baltimore. Congrats.
(10) Kansas City (Bye): Apparently their modus operandi is to destroy shitty teams and lose to anyone respectable.
(11) Jacksonville: Tied for first place in the AFC South is basically like being tied for first as the best downhill skier in Saudi Arabia.
(12) Carolina: Never change, Cam. Please. Between your sartorial splendor and incredible grasp of maritime history you are quickly becoming one of my favorite pro athletes.
(14) Washington: They got a huge win in Seattle. The fact Seattle had something like 9 million penalties helped in this pursuit. Kirk Cousins is really good and will probably get an 11 billion dollar contract after the season.
(15) Oakland (Bye): Miko Grimes makes Jim Irsay seem stable and well-spoken.
(16) Detroit: Got a win in Green Bay which, on the surface, sounds pretty cool considering their history. However, Green Bay’s backup quarterback has looked terrible in his first two games. Maybe this will kick start them for the home stretch. More likely they will just be the Lions we all know and love.
(17) Atlanta: 4-4 and in third place in their division. I feel much better about the world knowing that Matt Ryan has gone back to being the Matt Ryan we’ve all come to know and love.
Is Joe Flacco Elite This Week Or Not Game: (18) Baltimore (Bye)
My kid asked if he could go do homework instead of watch the second half. Ravens Pride, people.
(19) Arizona: Who cares?
(20) Miami: Lost at home to Oakland. A team that apparently had its offensive line trying to kill its quarterback at one point during the season. Jay Cutler just inspires teams to raise their levels of excellence to match his.
(21) Green Bay: Lost on Monday Night. To Detroit. In 30 degree temps. Detroit was something like 1 for its last 327 in Green Bay. Aaron Rodgers must hide a lot of flaws.
The “How Does Kaepernick Not Have a Job” Bowl: (22) NY Jets @ (29) Tampa Bay
Jameis really seems to like the letter W. A lot.
(23) LA Chargers: I think you should be able to take as many late hits on Philip Rivers as you like. I’m fairly certain I saw a referee once kick Rivers when he was on the ground.
(24) Denver: What the hell happened to these guys? It was sort of understood the offense would struggle, but few saw the beatdowns the defense would take.
(25) Chicago: They have Green Bay on Sunday. The way these two offenses have been playing, I say the first team to 9 wins.
(26) Cincinnati: AJ Green completely lost his shit last Sunday. I’m fairly certain he was fantasizing that the cornerback he was pummeling was Andy Dalton.
(28) Houston: Took one game to figure out they were finished when Tom Savage couldn’t even beat the Colts.
The Chris Myers Is On The Call Because Your Team Sucks Game Of The Week:
(30) NY Giants @ (31) San Francisco
When two of the three worst teams in the league get together, the only man we want to call this game, no, need to call this game is one Christopher Patrick Myers. This is the game the man was born to call. His patented mix of mild confusion and good natured incoherence will finally receive the attention it deserves.
I do have two questions though:
Are the Giants really going to move on from Eli after the season?
How did NBC not demand this game get flexed to Sunday night?
49ers 3 Giants 2
(32) Cleveland: Still amused at the botched trade story. They are the Washington Generals on ABC’s Wide World of Sports. The Luftwaffe on the History Channel. The French Army against any other Army, including the Salvation one.
A Bit Too Early Super Bowl Prediction: Philadelphia @ New England
World Events: UCLA had three basketball players arrested in China for shoplifting. If you are dumb enough to act like a jackass in China, I really couldn’t blame the team for leaving them there.