One of the things I like to pride myself on, besides providing top-notch football information to you people, is my ability to make your sad little lives a tad brighter. In the spirit of my neverending, magnanimous selflessness I shall provide you with some lifestyle tips as I see fit. These will not necessarily appear every week, only when I have time or interest.
In a little change of format I’m moving a very popular section to the top.
Question(s) of the week: Ryan A. asks “If at a bar that has Sunday Ticket when is the acceptable time to ask a cute blond server if she’s f*****g her manager?”
Glad you asked this question, Ryan. Since this isn’t Barstool Sports and I’m not an Idiot Punter, I’d say that question is off-limits at any time.
Now, please allow me to summarize the series of events leading to this query for my loyal readers:
Ryan and I were taking in a late Sunday afternoon football game and Pacers broadcast at a southside dining establishment that shall remain nameless (Primanti Brothers). Upon our arrival two gentleman and several employees of unnamed establishment (Primanti Brothers) were seated opposite from us at the bar. These gentleman had apparently enjoyed numerous adult refreshments by this point and were visibly drunk. Ryan and I were quite amused by this display and began to document their antics via Twitter. Keep in mind we were tagging this nameless restaurant (Primanti Brothers) the entire time on Twitter in what became a running commentary.
These gentleman in the course of our two and one half hour visit managed to:
1. Drink a staggering amount of Coors Light from what looked like brandy snifters. At times one gentleman was holding the glass like it was a pimp cup.
2. They housed at least half a dozen mixed drinks/shots each. (It wasn’t that hard to keep track of their alcohol intake since the bartender seemed to have philosophical or religious objections to actually cleaning the bar.)
3.) Attempted to steal at least four Moscow Mule cups and hide them in a bag provided to them by the bartender. (At this point I’m guessing the bartender has the inside track to Primanti Brothers employee of the year).
4.)Harassed the kitchen staff from an area that had to be employee only. They were literally behind a counter and yelling to kitchen employees through the pickup window.
5.) Harassed any poor bastard that happened to sit near them and engage them in any way.
6.) Accused a waitress (loudly) of engaging in carnal relations with her supervisor. Apparently making this accusation is the line in the sand for a Primanti Brothers ejection, much like calling an umpire a certain word.
7.) Nearly had a physical altercation with a manager who finally decided to exercise some managerial discretion.
8.) Nearly had local law enforcement called to the scene to remove them. Then proceeded to DRIVE AWAY when they could barely speak intelligibly, or fucking walk, for that matter.
Keep in mind that we are tagging the Primanti Brothers Twitter account the entire time. Not to get anyone into trouble but because we thought it was hilarious. Five days later, still haven’t received a single reply from Primanti Brothers. In light of these developments, I am asking that my editor secure Primanti Brothers in Greenwood, Indiana as the title sponsor of this column as soon as possible. The place is like a mix of Thunderdome and a Taliban Prison riot with cheap drinks — basically all the qualities I cherish and hold dear in places I like to frequent. I give this establishment the highest RD approval rating possible, 5 Stars. I recommend highly that you celebrate any and all special occasions here.
While I am disappointed that @McLarenAuto has yet to pony up a ride I want to reassure them that my loyalty to that brand is unwavering. Although I feel my editor should be carrying the load in this pursuit, I am willing to speak personally to anyone at McLaren who needs further convincing. (Editor’s note: Rest assured, dear author and cherished readers, the editor is practically Atlas-like in all the shouldering of loads she’s doing here.)
And now for some football:
(1)Philadelphia: Still the best team on the list. Not sure they are the best team but they have consistently sucked less than all the other teams. Proud times indeed, in Philadelphia.
(2) New England (Bye): Tom Brady is releasing his fitness regimen. Oh joy. I’m sure this, combined with his smugness and super hot wife, will win him even more fans.
(3) Seattle: Outlasted a decent Houston team in what may have been the most entertaining game of the season. I’m not sure how good they are but they keep managing to hang around.
(4) Pittsburgh (Bye): I had the research staff at Amos Global HQ in Galveston, Texas run the Lions/Steelers game simulation through the supercomputers one million times and it came back with the same result each time. Pittsburgh’s win over Detroit was the least impressive accomplishment in the history of mankind. (Editor’s note: Amos Global Headquarters does not have a supercomputer. But if @Apple cares to oblige, it sure could use an iPad Pro.)
(5) Kansas City: Pretty much dominated the Broncos Monday night. They’d basically have to hire Rick Venturi to coach the rest of the season not to win the division.
(6) LA Rams: Jared Goff is a legit MVP candidate. I’m having trouble adapting to this strange new world.
Is Joe Flacco Elite This Week Or Not Game: (18) Baltimore @ (7) Tennessee
Flacco is lucky to be eating solid food after getting blown up trying to slide five minutes too late Thursday night.
One-legged Marcus Mariota should be able to score enough to beat whoever the Ravens run out there at QB Sunday.
(8) Dallas: Jerry Jones doesn’t want to be associated with players who kneel but he’ll go to the ends of the earth to keep a woman-beater eligible.
(9) New Orleans: Drew Brees keeps them rolling. The awful teams in their division keep them in first.
(10) Houston: Lost a close one to Seattle. It looks like the quarterback balance of power in the AFC South may be shifting to Houston.
(11) Minnesota (Bye): Struggled to beat Cleveland in London. Case Keenum is still the QB. Draw your own conclusions about the prospects for the Vikings’ season.
Also, what the hell did the people of London do to deserve these crap games? Some of these people lived through The Blitz (read a damn book, I’m not explaining every reference to you people) and now this? (Editor’s note: please remember that “you people” is the way the author shows he truly respects his readers. Also, Amos is an Amazon affiliate. May we recommend to you their fine selection of books on the topic of World War II?)
The @ThatDickScott Game Of The Week: (12) Buffalo @ (25) New York Jets
The Bills are only a half-game back for best record in the AFC. This is basically where the piano gets dropped on Buffalo fans, right?
The Jets weren’t fooling me. I knew they sucked.
(13) Jacksonville: Bortles is still the quarterback, I don’t care how good the defense is. Sooner or later Bortles is going to kill your season.
(14) Atlanta: Congrats, you beat the Jets. I’m certain that will get your season back on track.
(15) Washington: Lost at home to Dallas playing with two-fifths of their starting offensive line. Either Kirk Cousins is good enough to carry an injury-plagued team or Dallas isn’t that good. I’m leaning towards the latter.
(16) Green Bay: No Aaron Rodgers; They are finished. Nothing to see here.
(17) Carolina: 5-3 and beat a Tampa team that is falling to pieces. I’m going to need to see something a little more impressive before I get on this bandwagon.
(19) Denver: Starting a QB who, in order:
-They didn’t want.
-Then got cut by a team who wanted to start Tom Savage instead.
-Then got cut by the Browns. The Browns. The Browns.
(20) Oakland: Housed in Buffalo. Carr is back and they still suck. This team is regressing before our eyes. With brainiac Jack Del Rio at the helm I’m sure you are all stunned.
The Chris Myers Is On The Call Because Your Team Sucks Game Of The Week:
The “How Does Kaepernick Not Have a Job” Bowl: (21) Arizona @ (31) San Francisco
Another rare double headline game. These teams are going in bad directions, though San Francisco did just get their quarterback of the future from New England. All this accomplishes is Kirk Cousins now needs a new landing spot.
(22) LA Chargers (Bye): Their season was saved and then it wasn’t after losing in New England.
(23) Chicago (Bye): Hoping Zack Miller can just resume a normal life after that terrible knee injury.
(24) Miami: Got beat by 40 by a team that was severely offensively challenged and THEN lost their starting QB in the second quarter. Cutler should be back soon– I guess that qualifies as good news.
(26) Detroit: Matt Stafford is taking a serious run at being a bigger fraud than Matt Ryan.
Never thought I’d type that sentence.
(27) Cincinnati: Need a pick six from a 300 pound D Lineman to beat the dumpster fire that is the Colts. Moving on.
(28) Tampa Bay: They better win Sunday at New Orleans or they are finished. They might be finished any way. Scoring three points at home is not filling me with confidence for their long-term prospects.
(29) NY Giants: They have won one game. I’m having serious trouble understanding how they even pulled that off.
(30) Indianapolis: Two Andrew Luck thoughts here:
He is headed to the IR according to Tony Donahue at 1070AM.
Sources were reporting that Luck is now travelling the country consulting shoulder specialists. This begs the question, who the hell was he seeing before? Was he going to Minute Clinic at his neighborhood CVS? Not to disparage the level of care you might receive at a drugstore, but I’d have hoped he was seeing top men in the field long before this.
(32) Cleveland (Bye): Forgot to file trade paperwork with the league office may be the most Browns thing ever.
A Bit Too Early Super Bowl Prediction: Philadelphia at New England
Random Baseball Thought: What a great World Series through six games. Game Seven did not live up to the rest of the series, but that would have been a pretty tall order. I’m not sure what Dave Roberts was thinking letting Darvish go that long, but that is one of the great things about baseball and sports in general. We love to debate the moves and non-moves and think about how the outcomes might have been different.
It also gives us something to argue about when we are drinking. Either way, it’s a win.
World Events: I got nothing.
Question(s) of the week Part II: Eavan Warfel asks “Why do the refs specify ’offense’ on a false start if offense is the only side it can occur…?”
Great question, Eavan. I’m assuming it’s because NFL refs receive the same high level of training that your average WWE official does. My second theory is that they assume that most people who are watching NFL games are hammered, high, or both and really don’t notice many things.
If you have a question like Ryan or Eavan did, make sure to send them to me using the hashtag #AskRD and you too could see your name on the most widely-visited column since Al Gore invented the Internet.