So, Philadelphia is again holding the coveted top spot at the top of the weekly RD column. Not that I am a huge believer in the Eagles, it’s just that after the top five or six teams everyone pretty much stinks.
Speaking of stink, my driveway remains @McLarenAuto-free. I’m starting to have doubts the car is going to materialize and I am also wondering exactly how much time my editor is spending trying to get said car for the author of the interwebz greatest column. (Editor’s note: All compensation questions are traditionally sent by authors to the Human Resources Department of Amos Global Media instead of being incorporated into the body of an active article; apologies to readers for any discomfort caused but the editorial staff has made a decision that this adds flavor to the column, much like the jaunty use of “interwebz.”)
Held onto the top spot with a relatively easy win over Washington. Still not completely sold on Carson Wentz or the team as a whole. Like I said before though, they have managed to suck less than everyone else so far. So, one more week in the top spot for them.
(2) New England
The Hoodie appears to have worked out whatever issues the defense may have been having. Need to see a few more outcomes like this before I move them back to the top.
Beneficiary of playing in a division with three terrible teams.
Non-football fact: According to the research staff at Amos HQ, it is illegal to produce, possess, or use personal hygiene products of any kind within Pittsburgh city limits. (Editor’s note: This is factually incorrect. More flavor.)
I learn something new each week from these guys.
They have won four out of five and are looking more like the Seahawks we expected to see all along. They have a string of four or five winnable games coming up and a matchup with Philadelphia the first week of December that could go a long way in deciding home field in the NFC playoffs.
(5) Kansas City
Lost to Oakland on Thursday on the fourth version of one last play. NFL refs are slightly worse than WWE officials. Oh well, Chiefs fans can always look back at this and smile: (here).
(6) LA Rams
Jared Goff is looking like the NFC MVP. It appears Rick Venturi was wrong about him. I will now go have a drink and a xanax and try to cope with my shock.
If Marcus Mariota ever plays on two legs again I could see bumping them up. Until then, barely beating Cleveland doesn’t fill me with confidence.
(10) Dallas @ (8) Washington
Late afternoon game between longtime NFC East rivals. You can almost hear Madden and Summerall.
(9) New Orleans
Drew Brees has been resurrected. Well, maybe not resurrected exactly. I heard a Rolling Rock joke the other day and I was going to try and work it in here.
Three teams in the division being dumpster fires is certainly helping, as well.
A .500 team with a rookie quarterback is the bad news. They play in a pretty unimpressive division is the good news. Now, is Watson’s upside higher than the other stiffs in the division?
The “How Does Kaepernick Not Have a Job” Bowl: (12) Minnesota @ (32) Cleveland
Kizer is getting the yo-yo treatment. That always works well to build the confidence of a young quarterback. I wonder why Cleveland always manages to stink.
They lost to San Diego somehow. They should be really grateful so many teams behind them are so terrible, otherwise they would have dropped further.
The @ThatDickScott Game Of The Week: (21) Oakland @ (14) Buffalo
This is usually the point of the season Buffalo starts to play its way out of a playoff spot. Derek Carr and the Raiders are basically in must-win mode. This might be the most entertaining game of the week.
Carson Palmer has a broken arm. It is still unclear whether this will help or hurt his overall performance.
(16) Green Bay
Started some dude named Brett Hundley in place of the injured Aaron Rodgers. As predicted here there was a drop in the productivity of the quarterback position. This is the type of analysis you people have come to expect from this column. You are welcome. (Editor’s note: “you people” is a phrase exactly indicative of this author’s particular charm; please do not take offense. All opinions expressed are those of the author and not attributable to Amos, its sponsors, advertisers, or subsidiaries.)
Sacked the Colts quarterback just shy of 6000 times. I had the Amos interns at our global headquarters in Bethesda, Maryland research this. 6000 sacks in one game is indeed an NFL record. (Editor’s note: If 6,000 sacks had occurred against one quarterback in one game, it would be an actual NFL record. That did not occur. Ever. Also, our headquarters are not in Bethesda, Maryland.)
I’d probably be more impressed if they hadn’t gotten all those sacks against one of the worst teams in football.
Also, Sacksonville is a dumb nickname. Expect to see it soon on tee shirts everywhere across America’s wang.
Team looks dead. Offense is a mess. Matt Ryan isn’t playing like an MVP; he’s playing like Matt Ryan.
Trubisky completes four passes. Four. One more than three and the Bears still win. This is presumably not sustainable.
The Chris Myers Is On The Call Because Your Team Sucks Game Of The Week: (20) Carolina @ (28) Tampa Bay
Two teams that seem to be circling the drain. Tampa looked at the beginning of the season to take the next step into the playoffs. Now they look unlikely to finish .500.
Cam Newton still looks like he hasn’t recovered completely from shoulder surgery. Then again, he is actually on the field: what’s up, Colt fans?
(22) LA Chargers
The soccer stadium is suddenly becoming a tough place to play. No, I’m just kidding, they still suck.
Is Joe Flacco Elite This Week Or Not Game: (23) Miami @ (26) Baltimore
Jay Cutler has broken ribs. He’s also kind of a dick.
Something is wrong with Joe Flacco. He has never been a high percentage thrower but he has completely bottomed out. The Ravens are without their top three receivers and the offensive line is a disaster. The remaining schedule isn’t brutal but .500 looks like a stretch.
(24) NY Jets
They have blown leads the last two weeks. They seemed hell bent on screwing up their draft position for a couple weeks, but they seem to have regained their sanity though.
They have lost three of their last four and now they get Pittsburgh on Sunday night. I don’t think either team is that great but the Lions have been pretty shaky.
Also, did you know Jerome Bettis is from Detroit?
(30) Indianapolis @ (27) Cincinnati
I literally cannot think of a single viable reason for anyone to watch this game. If you have a blood relative playing, I guess that could be a possible reason. It would seem easier, and less painful, to actually disown the relative and go grocery shopping instead.
(29) NY Giants
The clock has to be winding down on the Eli Manning era in New York. I’ve never been a huge fan of his but it looks like he’s losing it all at once. If the Giants pick in the top three they would almost have to go get a quarterback, I think.
(31) San Francisco
Absolutely humiliated at home by the Cowboys. They did start a quarterback no one has ever heard of so that was kind of cool.
A Bit Too Early Super Bowl Prediction: Philadelphia at New England
Random Baseball Thought: Baseball is so awesome. The Dodgers bullpen is practically unhittable for several weeks in the playoffs. Dave Roberts turns a two-run lead over to the bullpen looking to go up 2-0 in the World Series. The bullpen then proceeds to give up at least one run in four straight innings after not giving up one in the last 28. Series goes from looking four to five games max, now looks like it could go six or seven.
World Events: Senator John McCain continues to own President Trump in every way, shape, and form. You would think at some point Trump would cut his losses and move onto an easier target. Thankfully, though he keeps crawling back to McCain for continued beat-downs.
Question of the week: This week’s question comes from Angie, who asks “Why are football players’ pants see-through?”
Well, Angie, I never really noticed. I guess I’m not a giant perv like you.
If you’d like to see your name in print like Angie will, send me your question for next week. If you’d like to follow Angie on Twitter, good luck, she’s a giant nerd and has her account locked down.