Sorry about missing last week’s column. I know this football information is vital for the day-to-day existence for some of you people. Then again, I’m paid very little to do this so you can go suck it if you have an issue. Or you can email my editor and complain, provided they have made bail. (Editor’s notes: the author has been admonished about his continued use of the derogatory phrase “you people;” emailing the editor or leaving comments is encouraged; the editor does not at this moment require bail. Hi, Mom.)
That said, that was certainly an interesting week in the NFL. We did learn one thing this week and hopefully we will be able to apply this information going forward.
Jerry Jones is the biggest huckster, charlatan, opportunist douche in the sports world. Could he have possibly played his hand any worse in this whole kneeling/protest episode? From kneeling with the players to later threatening them, he has been exposed for the kind of guy he is and it’s not good.
Again. Where the hell is my @McLarenAuto? They are really testing my patience. The world’s most-widely-read football column is getting tired of giving free pub to these clowns. (Editor’s note: author’s claims to popularity have not been verified and should be considered more in the vein of joyful exaggeration than as fact.)
If you’d like to have your product or company mentioned in the greatest column in the history of the written word, contact my editor. I’m sure she has a phone number or email listed somewhere. (Editor’s note: see here or here.)
(1) Philadelphia: Number one because everyone else sucks a little less than they do. Welcome to the top of the mountain, fellas.
(2) New England: You’d think The Hoodie would have been able to figure out things after the Carolina debacle. The controversial win over the Jets would suggest otherwise. Let’s see what Mr. Personality can bring to the table this week.
(25) Cincinnati @ (3) Pittsburgh: Pittsburgh blows out KC the week after getting boat raced at home by Jacksonville. Tough team to figure out.
Coincidentally Pittsburgh’s rating this week is the same as the number of STD-free females in Pittsburgh. Amos’ Medical Division, Global HQ in Seaford, Delaware, partnered with the CDC on this study. (Editor’s note: Joyful exaggeration. Literally none of this is true. #FakeNews)
Pittsburgh 27 Cincinnati 21
(4) Kansas City: I know a lot of you anvil-bangers were shocked by the Chiefs’ loss. Not only because it was at Arrowhead but also in the manner it occurred. Pittsburgh completely shut down KC’s offense. I, however, am extremely smart and was not surprised by the outcome at all. Pittsburgh owns Kansas City.
(5) Denver: Somehow lost to a winless Giants team at home. Not sure how people weren’t fired or cut after that shit show.
6) Carolina: Lost at home to maybe the best team in the NFL. I still have no idea what they are trying to accomplish any time they have the ball on offense. At least Newton’s shoulder surgery hasn’t taken two years to heal. What’s up, Colt fans?
(7) Seattle: On the road against the Giants this week. If they look as shaky on offense as they have most of the year, they could be in trouble.
(8) Washington: Eked out a win over San Francisco. Probably not the eighth best team in a normal year, but three-fourths of the league stinks or worse.
(9) Oakland: Anyone else tired of Marshawn Lynch’s act yet?
Is Joe Flacco Elite This Week Or Not Game: (24) Baltimore @ (10) Minnesota
Certainly not elite after that garbage performance. They are leaking oil, taking on water, coming off the rails, or whatever your favorite disaster metaphor may be.
(11) LA Rams: Still not sure what to make of these guys. They had a nice road win over the Jags, but still not sure what Jacksonville is.
(12) Detroit (Bye): Gave up eleven billion points off of turnovers to the Saints. That’s hard to do. In fact, it may be a league record. I’ll have one of The Amos interns look into it. (Editor’s note: Amos does not have interns. We are seeking guest authors and contributors.)
(13) Green Bay: They had to drop after the loss of Rodgers. The next few weeks will see if they can remain afloat in a division that isn’t great.
(14) Dallas: It is amazing how the NFL has managed to make this whole Ezekiel Elliott fiasco about the courts. The reason why they are trying to suspend him has been buried. Keeping running those ads on how you care about women though, NFL.
(15) Arizona: Literally no idea about this team. You’d be crazy to gamble on them unless the bet you’re making is that Carson Palmer will do something stupid.
The “How Does Kaepernick Not Have a Job” Bowl: (16) Jacksonville @ (30) Indianapolis
Jacksonville stinks and the Colts are playing a third string quarterback who has only beaten the two worst teams in football.
I guess it’s better to suck than have a social conscience.
(16) Texans (Bye): Beneficiary of being in a lousy division. Their quarterback is competent. They mauled Cleveland. High times in Houston, for sure.
(17) Tennessee: Struggled to beat an awful Indianapolis team. Granted Mariota played on one leg and the Colts refused to blitz him (nice of them), but still. You have to take care of business more convincingly than the Titans did.
The Chris Myers Is On The Call Because Your Team Sucks Game Of The Week: (21) Tampa Bay @ (18) Buffalo
The @ThatDickScott Game Of The Week: (21) Tampa Bay @ (18) Buffalo
This game has achieved the rare, two title game. One because the Bills were Scott’s favorite team. The second because mercifully only about twelve people total will have to endure this broadcast.
(19) Atlanta: Took three weeks for the Super Bowl hangover to kick in but when it did, it did with a vengeance.
(20) Miami: Teams are 1-0 straight up on the road one week after having a skank model release a video of one of their assistants doing rails off his office desk.
(22) New Orleans: Defense scored an NFL record 11,000 points against Detroit. Somehow they are still alive for a playoff spot. Good thing Atlanta and Tampa are incompetent/miserable.
(23) Chicago: They beat Baltimore in Baltimore. The defense allowed almost nothing. Trubisky looks competent. With Aaron Rodgers going down and the rest of the division as shaky as it is, there may be an opportunity here.
(27) NY Jets: Kind of got screwed by a call late in the game. Then again they kind of screw themselves every year with terrible ownership and front office. Sort of karmic in how all these things seem to work together.
(28) NY Giants: They somehow beat Denver. Eli Manning is terrible. The head coach looks mildly confused at all times. This is a recipe for success.
(29) LA Chargers: They have won two in a row. Soccer stadium should be filled to capacity for their triumphant return to whatever suburb of Los Angeles it is that they play in.
(31) San Francisco: They suck.
(32) Cleveland: They suck even more.
Way Too Early Super Bowl Prediction: Kansas City vs Philadelphia
Random Baseball Thought: There is no way the Yankees can come back and win two series after being two games down. It’s impossible. It just won’t happen.
Question of the week: This week’s question comes from TJB (@uvmtj03), who asks “Do you think Pagano prefers a crispy steak burger or juicy hamburger?”
Personally, TJ, I don’t think Chuck really cares when it comes to the hamburger or steak burger question, I think he cares more about the chefs sticking to the process.
Want to see your name on the interwebz just like TJ will? Send me a question to @TheOriginalRD on the Twitter using the hashtag AskRD.