The NFL Show with RD, Week 5: Straight Cash, Homie

By RD

Once again this column was the most widely read piece on the entire internet. (Editor’s Note: It was the most popular article of the week on Amos. We have yet to take over the entire internet.) I’d like to thank you, all the little people out there, for the tremendous support. I need to start translating this success into fame and wealth. I’d like to say I’m in it for the creative expression but let’s not kid one another, I just want straight cash, homies. (Editor’s note: you can, in fact, drop some straight cash to Amos by clicking here.)

Where the hell is my @McLarenAuto? Do I need to start a Go Fund Me? The world’s most widely read football column is getting tired of giving free pub to these clowns. (Editor’s note: It cannot be confirmed that @McLaren Auto is actually staffed by, supportive of, or endorsed by clowns.)

The “How Does Kaepernick Not Have a Job” Bowl: (1) Kansas City @ (9) Houston
Kansas City was able to pull out a close win on Monday against a Washington team that suddenly looks good. The Chiefs have a big play offense and a solid defense. Maybe this combination will be enough to overcome the coaching of Andy Reid.

Deshaun Watson has looked great the last two weeks. There finally appears to be hope in Houston at the one position that has held them back the last few seasons.

Kansas City 31 Houston 30

(2) Detroit
The Lions probably aren’t the second best team in the league; they just appear to suck less than most of the other teams. Matt Stafford continues to take stupid sacks. This makes me feel better in an ever-changing world.

(3) Green Bay
Beat an awful Chicago team at home. Congrats. Aaron Rodgers is still an ass.

(4) Denver (Bye)
Big win at home against Oakland. Always nice when you can win a division game and nearly cripple the opponent’s quarterback in the process.

(5) Washington (Bye)
Kirk Cousins is really, really, really good. He may even be good enough to help the 49ers win some games next year.

(6) Tampa Bay
Hung on to beat a winless Giants team. They can move the ball seemingly at will but they make the big mistake and try to give games away. Six may be too high to rank them but there is really a lack of quality teams this year.

(7) Seattle
Let a crap Colts team with a third string quarterback hang around for three quarters. Russell Wilson ran slightly less for his life Sunday night.

(8) Atlanta (Bye)
Lost at home to Buffalo. Matt Ryan continues to be the biggest fraud in the history of organized athletics.

(10) New England
The Panthers went into Foxboro having huge issues on offense and people wondering what was wrong with Cam Newton. Carolina then went on to score 33 and drop the Patriots to 2-2. I wouldn’t say it’s time to push the panic button in New England but someone may want to find out which room it is in, just in case.

(11) Pittsburgh
This week I gave a research assignment to the staff at Amos’ global headquarters in Tupelo, Mississippi. (Editor’s note: Amos does not have a global headquarters in Tupelo, Mississippi.) I wanted as many obscure facts about Pittsburgh as possible. I’d like to thank the dozens of low-level functionaries that helped make this possible.

The average IQ of a Pittsburgh resident is slightly lower than your average landscaping rock.

According to federal government statistics the average Pittsburgh resident reads at slightly below third grade levels, even the mayor.

More of these amazing facts in future editions.

(12) Tennessee
Some dumbass (me) picked them to be one of the best teams in football. The best teams in football don’t usually get 50 dropped on them. Also, Mariota is now hurt. No big deal, hamstrings aren’t that important to running quarterbacks I would assume.

Is Joe Flacco Elite This Week Or Not Game:
(23) Baltimore @(13) Oakland
Joe was not elite this week. He hasn’t been elite the last two weeks. The offense is a disaster and the fans booed the home team before, during, and after the game.

Oakland went from an AFC contender to being quarterbacked by a guy who couldn’t hold the starting job in Buffalo. If that isn’t cause for concern, I’m not sure what is.

Oakland 20 Baltimore 10

(14) LA Rams
Jared Goff has suddenly turned into a decent quarterback and the kicker is basically money inside of 70. Two of the wins have come against the Colts and the 49ers so let’s not get too crazy here.

(15) Dallas
Tough to see bad things happen to a team that actively protects a woman beater and is owned by a opportunistic charlatan.

(16) Carolina
The offense showed some life. Of course it was against a defense that everyone lights up. Holding off on “they are back” talk at least one more week.

The @ThatDickScott Game Of The Week:
(17) Buffalo @ (27) Cincinnati
Buffalo got a huge road win in Atlanta. They play good defense and don’t turn the ball over. One turnover in four games.

Andy Dalton lit up the Browns. Let’s see how he plays against a professional team this week.

Bills 27 Cincinnati 17

The Chris Myers Is On The Call Because Your Team Sucks Game Of The Week:
(22) Arizona @ (18) Philadelphia
Arizona needed nearly the entire overtime period at home to beat the second worst team in the league. Philadelphia nearly lost a de facto home game with the Chargers.

Philadelphia 23 Arizona 17

(19) Jacksonville
Drop 44 on the Ravens. Then lose at New York. Trust this team at your own risk.

(20) New Orleans (Bye)
Shut out the Dolphins in London. I’m not sure if this says more about the Saints or the Dolphins. Adrian Peterson averages two touches a game.

(21) Minnesota
An offensively-challenged team loses its best running back. Not sure how they can recover and keep pace with Detroit and Green Bay. Looks like a home team won’t be hosting a Super Bowl for at least one more year.

(24) NY Jets
They beat Jacksonville at home. Raise a banner.

(25) Miami
Noted asshole Jay Cutler is acting like an asshole in Miami, apparently. Who could have possibly seen this coming down the road?

(26) Chicago
The Mitch Trubisky era starts this week. He will be the 847th starting quarterback this decade for the Bears.

(29 LA Chargers @ (28) NY Giants
The only people watching this game will be the people in the stands and blood relatives of the players. I’m not certain about the relatives.

Giants 31 Chargers 14

The “How Does Kaepernick Not Have a Job” Bowl, Part Deux: (31) San Francisco @ (30) Indianapolis
The Colts are starting a third string quarterback and the 49ers start some carbon blob whose name I’m too lazy to look up. Sucking terribly is preferable to a quarterback who actually believes in something, apparently.

Andrew Luck threw a football in practice. No word yet if the Colts plan to raise a banner to honor this occasion before Sunday’s game.

Colts 38 49ers 35

(32) Cleveland
Blown out at home by a team that could barely score to start the season. The defense is a disaster and they still have questions at quarterback. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Way Too Early Super Bowl Prediction: Kansas City vs Green Bay.

Random Baseball Thought: Really hoping it is Cleveland’s year. They’ve suffered almost as much as Cub and Red Sox fans have but Indians fans are nowhere near as obnoxious as those two fanbases.

World Events: 59 dead. 500+ wounded. What numbers do we have to see as a society before we decide enough is enough?

Question of  the week: Blake the Builder asks “Why is Pagano employed?”

Great question, Blake. Normally I’d take a cheap shot at the owner and mention drugs and alcohol and dressing up in ridiculous outfits. Screw it, have you seen the nonsensical ramblings of the clown who owns the team? There is your answer.

Want to see your name on the interwebz just like Blake will? Send me a question to @TheOriginalRd on the Twitter using the hashtag AskRD. (You can also reach him via the Amos Facebook Page. Amos will ensure RD sees your question.)

RIP Tom Petty: So many times the word “legend” is thrown around to describe a recently passed athlete, actor, or musician. The passing of Tom Petty certainly qualifies as the loss of a legend. Petty’s career spanned decades and his music was a huge part of the soundtrack of so many lives. It would be absurd to try and rate his songs, there were just so many classics. My personal favorite was the song “Wildflowers.” Every time I heard that song it raised my spirits and gave me some hope. Rest in peace, Tom. This world was a much better place because of you.

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s