The NFL Show with RD, Week 4: Some Team Actually Has an Anvil

By RD

Everyone knows the big storyline of Week 3 so I’m not going to spend a lot of time on it, but @McLarenAuto still has not delivered a vehicle to me. I’m not sure what the hold up is. According to my editor, last week’s column has become the most-viewed document in the history of humankind, surpassing the Bible, the Marilyn Monroe Playboy issue, and the Guns N Roses concert rider combined. (Editor’s note: This is not, strictly speaking, true.)

As far as the kneeling for the National Anthem goes, I’m a veteran and support the right of anyone to peaceably dissent or protest.

The @ThatDickScott Game Of The Week:
(19) Buffalo @ (2) Atlanta

Buffalo is 2-1 and the hope for a respectable season remains. Then again, they usually start fast and then collapse at the end. Let’s hope history won’t repeat itself.

Atlanta hung on to win over Detroit. Was really expecting Super Bowl letdown for these guys but they almost appear to be on a mission. Too bad their quarterback is Matt Ryan.

Atlanta 38 Buffalo 10

Is Joe Flacco Elite This Week Or Not Game:
(14) Pittsburgh @(21) Baltimore
I’ve seen basically all or some of every game the Ravens have ever played. Sunday’s performance may not be the worst I have ever seen but it is definitely in the bottom three.

Flacco = not elite this week.

Steeler fans are fat, gross, unemployable, foul-mouthed, snaggle-toothed, ill-educated louts, with tobacco juice dripping down their chins. The dudes are even worse. (Editor’s note: we encourage high-spirited hyperbole in our writers. The riff on Steelers fans falls into this category. Undoubtedly.)

Steelers 31 Baltimore 17

The Chris Myers Is On The Call Because Your Team Sucks Game Of The Week:
(17) LA Rams @ (10) Dallas

Jerry Jones may be the most full-of-shit human being to ever walk the earth; his act on Monday night should have been an insult to Americans of every political stripe.

The Rams are pretty entertaining on offense. They are also pretty entertaining on defense, especially if you aren’t a fan of the team.

Dallas 38 Rams 31

The “How Does Kaepernick Not Have a Job” Bowl:
No clear-cut matchup for this weekend though Andy Dalton gave it a hell of a shot to make it happen.

Game of The Week:
(9) Oakland @ (7) Denver
I still think both teams are better than they looked last Sunday. Whoever loses will probably be unable to chase down Kansas City for the division title. Seems like a lot to be riding on a Week Four game.

Oakland 23 Denver 17

(1) Kansas City
They just keep rolling along. You never know when a big play is coming, but it always does. Who would ever have thought watching an offense led by Alex Smith could be fun to watch?

(3) New England
Had to rally late to beat a not-very-good Houston team. The offense seems to be fine, though, and should have no problem scoring the four points that will be required to beat Carolina.

If any of you guys have seen Cam Newton anywhere, tell him the season has started.

(4) Tennessee
Laid the wood to Seattle at home. I assume if Tennessee is going to make a deep run in the playoffs, they will use the formula we saw Sunday. Strong defense, power running game, and just enough big plays from Mariota.

(5) Detroit
Lose at home to a very good Atlanta team on a borderline call as time expired. They’ve got to get out of the habit of falling behind early and trying to rally. This philosophy wouldn’t lend itself to long term success one would think.

(6) Green Bay
Continue to unimpress with a win over a less-than-stellar Bengals team. The defense was the issue last year; it doesn’t appear that hasn’t improved much this year.

(8) Washington
Very impressive win over the Raiders on Sunday night. Apparently one of the Raiders wide receivers pissed off Josh Norman and nearly got his rib cage crushed in for his efforts. Crabtree probably ought to learn to keep his mouth shut. He seems to have a less than positive impact on those around him.

(11) Tampa Bay
Blown out by Case Keenum and the Vikings. I certainly thought they were better than that and, since I’m always right, they probably are. I would expect them to make quick work of Eli and the Giants this week.

(12) Miami
They score six points against the Jets and now get a trip to London. I’m going to go out on a limb and say they’ll probably need more than six points to beat Drew Brees.

(13) Seattle
Richard Sherman got three penalties called on him on one play. That can’t be easy to do, and has to go down in history with @SouthSide_Ry getting the ban-hammer at a Wilco concert as one of mankind’s greatest achievements.

(15) Philadelphia
A team record 61-yard-field goal at the gun to beat the dumpster fire Giants has got to be a launching pad.

(16) Jacksonville
The Ravens made Blake Bortles look like the second coming of Joe Montana.

(18) Houston
Hung around in New England a lot longer than I thought they would. Hard to make any conclusions on DeShaun Watson yet, he lit up a defense that appears will get lit up a lot this season.

(20) Minnesota
Case Keenum mania is running wild. Just when you think Sam Bradford maybe isn’t the problem, some scrub quarterback comes in and moves the offense. From now on I will assume Bradford is the problem.

(22) Arizona
Started off fast against Dallas. Then looked like garbage on offense the rest of the way. Of course, I was drinking and trying to drown out John Gruden with the new Foo Fighters album so my analysis may need to be taken with a grain of salt.

(23) New Orleans
As bad as they looked the first two weeks, Week Three was a surprise. Of course Carolina may be awful and that was the reason for the turnaround. They should be able to hang with the Dolphins but their prospects get dicey after that.

(24) Carolina
Their offense sucks. I mean really sucks. I mean really, really sucks.

(25) Chicago
They beat Pittsburgh which pretty much makes them my second favorite team of all-time. Until someone else beats Pittsburgh. My loyalty in this area is not exactly written in stone.

(26) LA Chargers
The NFL is said to be contemplating moving them back to San Diego already. After three weeks. I would call that a fantastic way to begin a new era. I’m sure the 17 people who showed up last week at the soccer stadium to watch them would agree with me.

(27) New York Giants
Odell Beckham is a class act all around.

(28) San Francisco
One of the more entertaining Thursday night games there has been. Of course, that isn’t a super high bar. When they sign Kirk Cousins in the off-season they might finally turn the corner and be competitive/interesting again.

(29) New York Jets
Held Jay Cutler to six points. If this was Indiana Hoosier basketball they’d probably raise a banner or something in tribute at the next home game.

(30) Indianapolis
What a week for the Colts. Jake Query and Derek Schultz had one of the most epic rants ever over a Chuck Pagano press conference. (You can follow them at @jakequery and @Schultz975, I’m sure they have the segment linked somewhere.) Then the Colts kicked off Sunday with an idiot who advocates running over cyclists banging a stupid anvil. They then manage to beat Cleveland at home. Then they jerked the rug out from under their fans when the Andrew Luck is back rumors circulated then got dashed. Proud franchise.

(31) Cincinnati
Andy Dalton looked slightly less terrible in Week Three. They still lost, though. Warm up the Marvin Lewis ejector seat.

(32) Cleveland
Nearly rallied to beat the Colts. Their receivers dropped an estimated 396 passes, though.

Way Too Early Super Bowl Prediction:
Kansas City vs Atlanta

Random Baseball Thought:
When the Orioles decided to mail in the last month of their season they really mailed it in. It has been a magical display of bad starting pitching, shaky bullpen work, anemic offense, and questionable lineups. Stoked for 2017.

World Events:
Apparently @uvmtj03 is back from his world tour. Not going to lie here, I was hoping he’d be brought back to the United States and off-loaded from the plane in a fashion similar to how Garland Greene met his flight in Con Air.

Pop Culture Stuff:
If you haven’t watched it, Ken Burns’ The Vietnam War has rivaled any of his previous work. It’s ten episodes long but completely worth the time invested. It really helps to put the divisive political atmosphere today in some historical perspective.

Question of the week: This week’s question comes from BBOH @ bush_jason who writes: You didn’t use my last question so GFY.

That’s not a question. Thanks for writing in.
Want to participate in this column? You too can submit brilliant questions of your own just like that one from Mr. Bush. Just have your parole officer or meth dealer use the hashtag Ask RD (#AskRD).

 

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