Welcome to the third edition of the interwebz’ most-read column. While all the acclaim and praise this column rightfully receives (lots of Pulitzer chatter out there) is nice, it’s the fact that I’m providing inspiration to you, the little people, that keeps me going.
I’d be dishonest to say I’m not also in it for the money, booze, and broads as well. I’m starting to get a little pissed that I churn out great content for the masses and yet my driveway remains disturbingly McLaren free. Get it together @McLarenAuto.
I was also advised that maybe it isn’t the best policy to call my readers names. I’m not making any promises. It’s not my fault most of you are borderline literate, donkey-brained degenerates.
Here we go…
(1) Kansas City
Kareem Hunt had a 53 yard touchdown run. That’s like eighty games in a row or something with a 50+ yard TD for him. I think that may be an NFL record or something. Travis Kelce continues to make a run at being the NFL’s least likeable player. That said, they win with a pretty uneven performance over Philadelphia.
(2) New England
Season went from being in danger two weeks ago to being just fine again. It’s amazing how the New Orleans defense can get a Hall of Fame quarterback back on track.
Falcons did not look good against the Bears Week One, then proceeded to blow Green Bay’s doors off on Sunday Night. Still not sure about this team.
Completely dominated a terrible Jets team at home.
The @ThatDickScott Game Of The Week:
(5) Denver @ (20) Buffalo
Totally dismantled Dallas. Ezekiel Elliott absolutely quits on his team. Maybe Zeke only digs down for a little extra fight when his girlfriend checks out his phone, or burns dinner, or complains about the toilet seat being up.
Buffalo scored 3 points. 3. Three.
Broncos 21 Bills 10
(6) Tampa Bay
Season got started a week late but they were able to dominate a Bears team that looked decent Week One. Now they go to Minnesota and face a backup quarterback. 2-0 should not be an issue.
Cutler did just enough to win the game. With their defense and running game that could be enough.
The defense is still solid. You would think the offense would come around at some point. Another performance like Sunday’s and they won’t be a top ten team for long.
Was on a date with a girl and she told me to kiss her where it stinks so I drove her to Pittsburgh.
Got back on track by blowing out a division opponent on the road. Granted, it was Bortles and the Jaguars but it’s still good to see them handily win a game they should win.
Won a game they let the seemingly disintegrating Giants hang around in. Matt Stafford makes a lot of money to make terrible decisions.
(12) Green Bay
Jordy Nelson limped off. Team proceeds to get blown out much like they did in last year’s NFC title game. Starting to think I may have had too much faith in them.
Took a curb-stomping in Denver. Not only is the star running back a woman-beater, it also appears he’s a quitter, too. Good job, Jerry.
Is Joe Flacco Elite This Week Or Not Game:
(14) Baltimore @ (29) Jacksonville
Flacco was kind of elite Sunday. Now he will get to showcase his talents at 9 am on a Yahoo live stream from London. The lights just don’t get any brighter, folks.
Blake Bortles is still the quarterback.
Ravens 31 Jaguars 10
The Chris Myers Is On The Call Because Your Team Sucks Game Of The Week:
(25) New Orleans @ (15) Carolina
One team got lit up at home by a New England team that was allegedly leaking oil. The other scored nine points at home against Buffalo. Hard to believe they didn’t flex this classic to Sunday night.
They beat the Rams. Let’s just move on
Barely beat the worst team in the NFL who started their third string QB and basically needed horrifyingly bad turnovers to even make that happen.
Nice run by Deshaun Watson Thursday night was just about the only big play. JJ Watt raised a ton of money and nearly got a finger ripped off his hand for his trouble.
Zero idea what is going on with this team. Carson Wentz may or maynot be good. On the bright side, it appears getting shot with an eighteenth century pistol by Marvin Harrison at one of his car washes has decreased.
At some point you just have to cut your losses and move on to the 9,527th QB in franchise history.
(22) New York Giants
Terrible performance all around Monday night. Head coach then rips Eli a new one publicly. Good thing this type of stuff hardly ever gains momentum and spins out of control in New York .
Case Keenum. Not sure anything else needs to be said.
(24) LA Chargers
Continue to find interesting ways to lose games. This time they did it in front of dozens of spectators in a soccer stadium.
Haven’t scored a touchdown this season. You’d have to think at some point something might actually put Marvin Lewis’s job in jeopardy. Dude must have some Trump/Russian hooker-level photos on someone in the Brown family.
(27) Cleveland @ (32) Indianapolis
Kizer got hit so many times against the Ravens he got a migraine and had to come out of the game. Indianapolis is a home underdog to a team whose quarterback got hit so many times against the Ravens he got a migraine and had to come out of the game. The good news is apparently Andrew Luck doesn’t want out of Indianapolis now. Not exactly sure what he has seen this season that would have gotten him back on board but, hey, they can build on this.
Brown 24 Colts 13
The “How Does Kaepernick Not Have a Job” Bowl:
(30) Los Angeles Rams @ (28) San Francisco
Goff versus whatever carbon blob fits a ‘49er jersey. Was cool to see Kaepernick win an award for his off-the-field efforts from the NFLPA.
Rams 17 ‘49ers 9
(31) New York Jets
They suck, really bad. They just don’t suck as much as the Colts.
Way Too Early Super Bowl Prediction: Kansas City vs. Atlanta
Random Baseball Thought: The Orioles might have been eliminated from the AL East race but they are still hanging around for that second Wild Card spot. They are only 5.5 back with 10 to go, and only 6 teams ahead of them.
World Events: Shockingly we haven’t bombed North Korea and they haven’t bombed us yet. Not even sure what to say about POTUS calling other world leaders names at THE FREAKING UNITED NATIONS.
Also @UVMTJ03 is still able to travel freely about Europe. I would have bet anything there would have been one INTERPOL blast or inclusion on a no-fly list by now.
This Week’s Question is From @HaskettLJ: Will we see negative tv ratings for a Thursday night game this year? Shocking Colts Browns matchup isn’t a TNF game?
We can only hope so. The NFL Network is a dumping ground for terrible games and it doesn’t look like it will get much better. I’m hoping by “negative ratings” that means if you watch the game someone comes to your house and beats you up and then steals your television.
Remember, keep these questions coming. Send them to @TheOriginalRD #AskRD