I’d like to thank each of you for making last week’s column the most read piece in the history of the interwebz. Reader response has been overwhelming. My Amos editor told me that several servers burst into flames due to demand. (Editor’s note: No servers actually did this.)
Sponsorship inquiries have also been pouring in according to the publisher and editorial staff at Amos. (Editor’s note: They haven’t.) If you represent a premium or luxury brand, feel free to contact my editor, she’ll give you my list of demands. RD could really use a McLaren 720.
Here We Go…
The best part of Week One of the NFL is the complete overreaction to everything that happened in it. New England went from prohibitive favorites and having a possibly undefeated season to a complete train wreck, all in sixty minutes. Marshawn Lynch is back at his peak form and a clear Hall Of Fame inductee. Tony Romo may blow a gasket before the first bye week. Allow me to now join the chorus of uninformed voices making ridiculous predictions and observations.
The “How Does Kaepernick Not Have a Job” Bowl: Surprisingly every game this week has at least one NFL-worthy starter at quarterback. Still, 8 to 10 teams would see an immediate upgrade by signing Kaepernick, though. I guess losing games is still less distracting than employing someone with a social conscience.
(1) Kansas City: The Chiefs went into New England and blew out the defending champs in an impressive display. Alex Smith looked more like a Super Bowl winning quarterback than a game manager. People tend to forget that if Kyle Williams didn’t fumble away the NFC Championship game, Smith would have been a Super Bowl quarterback already. Without those Williams fumbles Jim Harbaugh may not have eventually fucked Alex Smith out of his job in favor of Kaepernick.
Then again, Harbaugh is a dickbag and probably would’ve screwed Smith at some point anyway.
(2) Green Bay: The Packers seemed uninspired at home against a presumably good Seattle team. Has the Green Bay defense improved or is Seattle’s offensive line still bad?
(3) New England @ (25) New Orleans: The Saints get lit up by a Minnesota team that could barely score at all last season. Now they get a pissed off Tom Brady and Hoodie looking to lay a beating on someone. That usually doesn’t end up well for the opposition.
New England 45 New Orleans 28
(4) Dallas @ (9) Denver: Game of the week. Dallas looked like the 2016 (non-playoff) version. Denver was able to hold on against a Chargers team that didn’t have high expectations. Ezekiel Elliot is still on the field as of now. Roger Goodell is still an embarrassment.
(5) Seattle: Seahawks offense was shaky in a loss at Green Bay. The defense was solid. Sound familiar? Doesn’t appear the offensive line has made a great deal of progress since last year.
(6) Oakland: Nice opening win on the road at Tennessee. CBS’ Tony Romo polluted his britches with delight over Marshawn Lynch at least two times. I’d still rather listen to that than spend four quarters trying to figure out what the fuck Phil Simms is babbling on about.
(7) Miami: Week one was cancelled due to Hurricane Irma. They are entering a bit of a crazy logistical stretch playing on the west coast, back to New York, and then a game in London.
(8) Tampa:Week One was postponed due to Hurricane Irma. Interested to see what Jameis Winston can do against a surprisingly competent looking Bears team.
(10) Pittsburgh: Heinz Field being filled to the rim with diarrhea would be a fate too good for those towel-waving imbeciles.
(11) Tennessee: No shame in a close loss at home to one of the top three teams in the AFC.
(12) Atlanta: Matt Ryan and the Falcons were completely unimpressive against a mediocre Chicago team in a game they probably should have lost.
(13) Detroit: A slow start at home against Arizona turned into a relatively easy win. Stafford threw for four TDs and is the greatest quarterback in the history of quarterbacks. Possible overreaction.
(14) Minnesota: Sam Bradford was very good, if not great, Monday night. It might be a product of actually playing in the same system two years in a row. Or the Saints defense really sucks. Or maybe a little from Column A and a little from Column B.
Is Joe Flacco Elite This Week Or Not Game: (27) Cleveland @ (15) Baltimore
9 for 17 for Flacco at Cincinnati with one touchdown. That doesn’t scream elite to me. Can he regain that elite status against a Browns team that literally had a punt blocked for a touchdown on its first series? America eagerly awaits the answer.
Baltimore 31 Cleveland 7
(16) Philadelphia: Carson Wentz was good and awful all in the same game. That is pretty much all you can ask from a quarterback in a game you don’t give a shit who wins, if you ask me.
(17) LA Chargers: Either they were surprisingly competent or Denver is not that good. Rivers is still a jackass and that offers some comfort in an ever-changing world. Trying to figure out which side to overreact on.
(18) Chicago: Hung around at home against a decent Atlanta team. Even had a shot to win it at the end.
The Chris Myers Is On The Call Because Your Team Sucks Game Of The Week: (19) Arizona @ (32) Indianapolis. The Colts were absolutely brutal on Sunday. I thought they might be a .500 team with Andrew Luck. After seeing what Jared Goff did to that defense and how bad the offensive line looked, six wins with Luck might have been generous. Now the rumors are that Luck wants out of Indianapolis. Good times indeed.
Of course they’ll probably look like a competent team this week and the overreactions can continue unabated to the quarterback. Football penalty call reference.
Whatever you shitbags are paying for this content and insight, it is not enough. (Editor’s note: all content at Amos is free for its readers. If you want to buy Amos a coffee or something, you actually can do that right here.)
Arizona 27 Indianapolis 10
(20) New York Giants: The Giants offense looks completely lost without Beckham. Defense wasn’t a great deal better. Eli Manning always seems a little confused. I wonder if he always looks like he’s trying to solve a calculus problem when trying to do everyday tasks? Eli navigating a roundabout. Eli trying to get a drink from a Coke Freestyle machine. Eli making toast.
The @ThatDickScott Game Of The Week: (21) Buffalo @ (22) Carolina. Tyrod Taylor was decent against a lousy Jets team. McCoy went over 100 yards. The Panthers beat up a miserable ‘49ers team in front of dozens of fans at San Francisco.
Still not sure about either of these teams. Carolina is at home soooo….
Sorry @ThatDickScott. Miss you bro.
(23) Washington: A shockingly bad loss at home. Cousins has been really good the last few years so this was probably an aberration. Then again, they may be the worst team in the history of football.
(24) Cincinnati: Destroyed at home by a non-elite Joe Flacco. Hard to believe they could look worse but this is the time for overreaction. Are we getting closer to the AJ McCarron era?
(26) San Francisco: They are not good. They will not be good. And from the looks of it, no one plans to show up and watch them not be good either.
(28) Houston: The Texans were beyond awful at home against Jacksonville. The DeShaun Watson era starts this weekend. Probably should have just started him Week One.
(29) Jacksonville: Decent in a win at Houston. Blake Bortles is still Blake Bortles so I’m not exactly going to bust out “the ceiling is the roof” here.
(30) LA Rams: They beat the Colts. Relax.
(31) New York Jets: They were Jet-like in a loss at an average Buffalo team. The Colts just happened to suck even more against a putrid team..
Way Too Early Super Bowl Prediction: Kansas City vs. Green Bay
Random Baseball Thought: The Indians have spent the month kicking the hell out of everyone, for twenty wins in a row. Now they get Andrew Miller back. Good luck, American League, you’re going to need it.
World Events: Apparently @UVMTJ03 is behaving himself in Europe. I thought for sure two countries would have tried to deport him by now.
North Korea hasn’t started a nuclear war yet, so a week three column is a possibility. Of course Kim and the publisher at Amos will have more say in those scenarios than I will. (Editor’s note: RD will be back for week three. Hopefully he will refrain from calling readers “shitbags.” The author’s opinions are his very own.)
This Week’s Question is from Wendy: @WendEclair asks “oh I have so many questions. 1. Why can’t the kickers just wear the same fucking color shoes?”
Well, Wendy, kickers are not really people and their behavior typically trends towards the sociopathic. I also believe kickers are not especially bright and different color shoes makes it easier for them to put the correct shoe on the correct foot. Check out the work of the Idiot Punter for more proof on my theories on the intelligence, or lack thereof, of people who kick things for a living.
Thanks for the questions. Remember to submit your questions each week to @TheOriginalRD and use the hashtag #AskRD .