Here we go. The first of weekly (if I can remember) columns on the NFL. I refuse to use the word blog, because I’m too classy and talented to be associated with blogs. (Editor’s Note: Amos is not a blog. It is a digital magazine. Tell your friends.) My column is going to be a mix of rankings and game predictions. I also plan on mixing in Pearl Jam references, baseball takes, and anything else that I find amusing. I’ll do this as long as I remember or until North Korea bombs the shit out of us.
Important things to remember:
If Amos ever starts scratching me checks I’ll try to be more professional. (Editor’s Note: Amos splits all profits evenly among its contributors. Want to write? Contact us: firstname.lastname@example.org)
I hate your team, whichever one it is.
If you like it, great. If you don’t, feel free to GFY with a rake.
Without further ado:
New England Patriots. Why you ask? Do you not own a television, computer, or a basic understanding of team sports? New England, trust me.
(3) Seattle at (2) Green Bay
The best matchup on paper for Week One and a clear indicator of who is the second best team in the league. Also an opportunity to see Aaron Rodgers do something dickish again.
Green Bay 34 Seattle 24
(15) Giants at (4) Dallas
Can Prescott follow up on a great rookie year?
Can we all agree Eli Manning isn’t really that good?
Will the NFL ever figure out a sensible way to deal with women beaters?
Will Dallas ever not hilariously choke in the post-season?
Dallas 27 Giants 16
(5) Kansas City Chiefs
Andy Reid is the far bigger problem than Alex Smith.
How do they rebound from one of the greatest choke jobs in the history of organized sports, with the possible exception of the 2004 New York Yankees? What’s up @Schultz1260?
Jay Cutler and Adam Gase together again. With a strong running game Cutler won’t have to carry the load himself. This team could be a Super Bowl darkhorse. Then again Cutler will probably throw 87 interceptions and the season goes up in flames.
(8) Tampa Bay
Barely missed out on the playoffs last year. That won’t happen again this year.
(9) Oakland @ (10) Tennessee
Maybe the second best game of the weekend. Lot of upside with both of these teams. If their quarterbacks stay healthy they both have a shot of going deep into the AFC playoffs.
Tennessee 23 Oakland 17
The answer to two questions will define their success. How far can the defense carry them, and can they avoid using Brock Osweiler?
I despise the Steelers and their idiot towel waving fans.
Obviously there are more pressing concerns for the Houston area than the fortunes of a football team. That said, everything for a championship run is there except for the QB. How long before Deshaun Watson takes over?
The Chris Myers Is On The Call Because Your Team Sucks Game Of The Week
(18) Arizona at (14) Detroit
Larry Fitzgerald is offering to pay the fines for defenders that hit him high. Seems like a short sighted decision for a man who regularly puts his life in the hands of Carson Palmer.
Detroit 31 Arizona 14
Fun fact: If Washington franchises Kirk Cousins after this season his guarantee will be approximately 23 billion dollars.
Bradford is the QB. Can’t we at least look into getting Teddy one of those Pistorious legs or something?
Is Joe Flacco Elite This Week Or Not Game
(20) Baltimore at (16) Cincinnati
Since the Ravens lost their last regular season game and Flacco has not played in the pre-season, Flacco is not elite.
Check back as the season progresses for updates on this burning topic.
Cincinnati 24 Ravens 10
Tried to watch some of their preseason games but Mike Mayock made my ears bleed. Check back for more on them later.
The @ThatDickScott Game Of The Week
(32) Jets at (22) Buffalo
78 years since their last playoff appearance. Streak isn’t ending this year.
Really hoping they can put something together this year for our Bro @ThatDickScott though.
Jesus, what a dumpster fire the Jets are. Let’s just move on.
Stop me if you’ve heard this before, the Bears have questions at quarterback.
Do we get the 15-1 Super Bowl Panthers or the giant pile of suck we got last year?
(25) LA Chargers
Sheesh, now we’re really getting into the dregs. Transition year in a soccer stadium. What’s not to love?
(26) New Orleans
The defense is awful and the head coach is probably going to be in Indianapolis next year. Drew Brees and the dumpster fires below should keep them from falling any further.
(27) San Francisco
Too bad there aren’t any viable QBs out there to help bridge the gap until they sign Kirk Cousins. Oh, wait…
The “How does Kaepernick not have a job” bowl
(28) Indianapolis Colts v (29) LA Rams
Scott Tolzien vs Jared Goff. The matchup literally oozes excitement. This is the kind of game NFL Sunday Ticket was created for. Marquee matchups like this are generational. Don’t miss out.
Side note: If Andrew Luck somehow miraculously recovers and returns in time to save the season, the Colts ranking will go up quickly.
Rams 17 Colts 7
Cleveland won’t be the worst team again this year thanks to the Jets.
Picking between Blake Bortles and Chad Henne is like choosing between being shot and stabbed.
Way Too Early Super Bowl Prediction
New England vs Green Bay
Random Baseball Thought
Still too early to move Cleveland past the Dodgers as the favorites
Next week we’ll start a three week series on @UVMTJ03 vs Europe. The over/under on countries breaking off diplomatic relations with us has been set at 4.5.
Here is a sneak preview:
TJB @uvmtj03 5h5 hours ago
If you waddle down the aisle and hit everyone with your shit, off the plane. #TravelsWithTJ
Send me a question on Twitter @TheOriginalRD