Personals

Your personal ad reeks of desperation

Not by what is said, but what isn’t

You lack the social skills to meet real people

Preferring the impersonality of an ad online

Afraid that who you really are just isn’t enough

That you just might say the wrong thing

Or pretend you’re someone else, a character

You fear the face of rejection

Yet embrace the ghost of the unknown

Kneeling at the altar of your computer

Praying for a “Match” to fall from the sky

Hoping to find the right “Chemistry”

While your Lord and Savior Dr. Neil Clark Warren

Will show you the road to “E Harmony”

Fearing you might be judged by your looks over your personality

Taking pictures of yourself at deceptive angles

You prefer to type words that might sway

Or send them the other way to someone with a picture

Maybe someone who wants something other than friends first

They are more honest than you in that respect

These people acknowledge that they need sex

You should take a picture of yourself when you first wake up

Begin the ad with “This is who you get to wake up to, the real me.”

Tell them how you like your sex and how often

Don’t tell them what you like, but what you dislike

Explain all of your personality defects

Give a disclaimer of what medications you take, all your diseases

Inform your potential suitors of your prejudices

Or better yet, cancel the ad

Shut off the computer, go somewhere public

Live your life like there’s no tomorrow

Talk to a stranger, live outside the virtual world

For once in your life, be real

 

Leonard Pigg III is a comic book writer with Sexy Beard Club Press. His poetry is published here with permission.

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