Golly. It’s taffy.

Sweet's salt water taffy

Sweet’s Salt Water Taffy.

So, salt water taffy, according to the Internets, is not actually made with salt water. Salt water taffy contains both salt and water, sure, but the two aren’t mixed prior. So that part where you eat some fresh salt water taffy and think you taste the sea is a big ol’ mistake on your part.

You don’t taste the sea, dumb ass. But if you’re eating Sweet’s salt water taffy, you do taste perfectly balanced flavors that manage to be, paradoxically, both bold and subtle. Laffy Taffy is a kid’s taffy: it’s brightly colored, wrapped in jokes, and so artificially flavored that Bubblicious is jealous. And Laffy Taffy (fun as it is, frankly) has nothing on Sweet’s. Sweet’s is not, dear reader, Laffy Taffy.

Sweet’s salt water taffy is available from their website, Amazon, or, for $3.99 a bag, at your local Kroger grocery store, hidden on the lower shelves. And it’s amazingly good.

When you get your bag of Sweet’s, you’re going to want to immediately put that candy in something airtight. The one drawback to this candy is that it will absolutely go stale super-fast. So, no candy dish, right? You’re going to want something with a NASA-caliber seal. Also, they have a flavor in there that’s black and white striped. If you like licorice (are you a monster?), you can keep them. If you’re a normal human, you’ll want to toss those in the trash, wasteful as it is. Licorice, as everyone knows, is inedible (unless it’s in Sambuca form and you’re already half-lit, then, well, that’s another story…we heard from someone else).

Once you toss those black and white disgusting accidents out, though, here’s what you’re left with: green and yellow (pear) taffies. Mild, bright, happiness in sugar form; the beautiful pink-white-brown Neapolitan, which honest-to-God really do taste like ice cream (how do they do that? Chocolate ice cream always tastes like itself, never like actual chocolate, and these taffies actually get that chocolate ice cream flavor. Sweet’s must have a magician on staff). The orange and white really do taste like dreamsicles; the light blue taste like childhood and blue raspberry Icees; and the banana-yellow really are banana-flavored, in the best way imaginable. You might be thinking how the banana Runts and the banana Laffy Taffy are the best ones of their sort. Well, these damned banana Sweet’s salt water taffies make even the Runts want to run away and cry to their mama because…just delicious. Perfect. The Runts and the Laffy Taffy banana flavoring so are not even on the same planet as Sweet’s. It’s possible that actual bananas have less “real” banana flavor to them than Sweet’s banana flavored salt water taffy.

Allegedly other gourmet salt water taffies are equally pleasant: those ones that come from Mackinac Island or New Jersey boardwalks or Disney World, or whatevs.

These come from the Sweet’s factory in Salt Lake City. And somehow, in addition to being perfectly flavored, there’s a bit of the salt water, ocean-front, vacation tang in them that just doesn’t care that Sweet’s is buried in the Mountain West, no matter how near ancient salt licks it might be.

So go get some. They haven’t paid us here at Amos to say they’re great. They’re just actually truly great. (Barring the black and white stripey ones.) Instant childhood, instant vacation, instant step up from Laffy Taffy. You deserve this. Save the Laffy Taffy for Halloween handouts and get yourself some adult taffy.

But keep ’em in a jar, kids. The stale ones still taste great but they totally will crack your teeth.

 

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